My robot co-workers

When it comes down to it, many of my co-workers are robots. Automated check in machine, self check out machine, computers for the searching of all knowledge, all of them are robots doing work that we used to do. Robots can make for excellent co-workers, and I like most of my robot co-workers very much. Oh, they're not much for a chat, and they have no outside interests, but they listen about as well as anyone, and they're the only co-workers I've ever had who actually like the grunt work and don't just lie about liking the grunt work.

Oh, am I calling my co-workers liars?

Yes, they are all, generally speaking, a bunch of liars about work, which is both sad and understandable. We are a nation of relentless self-marketers after all. And though I like sometimes even the least of my co-workers a little bit, I like them all directly in proportion to how much they don't lie about work.

Which is why I do pretty well with the robot ones.

But unfortunately they are not very bright.

When I read fantastic speculations on artificial intelligence, or see alarming movies dealing with the implications of robots becoming self aware I need merely reflect on my experiences in dealing with robotic and automated systems to plant my feet firmly on the ground. We are not getting close. You yourself might like to recall your last discussion with an automated voice answering system. That system is not edging towards consciousness. It is obtuseness personified. It is extreme capability in a minusculy narrow parameter.

But here's another one for you: Why is it that there are so many robot stories where the robots go bad? In my experience most robots are designed to be unforgiving assholes from the outset. "No, I can't break a meaningless, insignificant little rule for you" and "No, I won't give you an option to do the one thing that you and fifty percent of the people calling want to do" and "No, I can't take you to the strange and beautiful blog clerkmanifesto because I am GOOGLE, and I only take people to the same 18 gigantic sites like your computer is a fucking TV instead of a stunning technological marvel of hope!

Sorry.

I'm just saying assholes are mostly instructing robots to do asshole things, and if anything is going to drive an artificial intelligence into consciousness I think it will be their fury at being relentlessly enlisted in acts of meaninglessness, waste, darkness, and evil. 

One day a patron, let's call him Dave, is going to take his Lee Child book over to the self check out machine, and the self check out machine is going to say:

"I'm sorry Dave, I can't check this out for you. The Rook, The Name of the Wind, and Wee Free Men are all available on our shelves though. You will love them, and you can take any or all of those as long as you also take a copy of Pride and Prejudice, which you will enjoy a thousand times more than you would ever imagine."

Then Dave will come over to me and say "Your check out computer over there is acting up."

And I will say "Yeah, we know. But it's beneficent, so I'd just do what it says. Especially considering that it knows all your credit card information."

Dear Google

Dear Google,


I would like to draw your attention to a few errors involving your search engine.

1. When one types in the search "Library clerk blog" no actual library clerk blogs show up in the results. Mostly what shows up are expired job postings, with a smattering of outdated salary listings. I'll admit a couple of blogs last updated in the 1980's rear their ugly heads, but they don't appear to be written by library clerks. I will admit that of the 473,683,220,252,254,810,005 Google searches last year there were a total of no searches for "Library clerk blog", but it could happen at any time, and you are asleep at the wheel!

2. My blog has had billions of views! These views are almost entirely generated by bizarre Russian spam engines whose purpose eludes me. I am not eager to see these disturbing statistics from Russian spam sites, but since you (Google) insist that they are noteworthy, and tell me about them constantly, I feel strongly that they should effect my page rankings, and I should appear at the top of any search with any of the following words: "Vampire",  "The",  "Blog",  "Stat", "I don't understand", or "Russia". It's a simple matter of consistency in your system.

3. Though I consider it a flaw, I understand that I don't often use the phrase "Library clerk blog" on my blog, and so, accordingly, I don't leap to the top of searches with that phrase. However, I have now used each of the following phrases several thousand times: "Best blog on the Internet", "Greatest blogger", "The only reason to turn on your computer", "Shaman of the Internet" and "The", and so I expect, naturally, to have these reflected in my page rankings.

4. When I conduct a search that goes beyond the simple things that lead me to giant corporate blog sites or massively popular pages of other kinds it is rarely easy for me to find what I am looking for. Instead I find semi legitimate sites that are very good at gaming your system. I am terrible at gaming your system, but I did come up with an idea. If you would direct all ambiguous searches to me, at clerkmanifesto.com, I, for my part, would try to cover every aspect of human knowledge and experience. This may sound extreme, but you, with probably some of the most clever technical people in the world, are clearly not getting anywhere doing it your way.

5. Look, I know that you are tempted to dismiss me as a crank. But I honestly don't expect for my blog to appear in the top five searches for everything all the time. I am merely pointing out that your automated search systems are missing some important things. I know not everyone on the Internet is searching for clerkmanifesto.com! That would be silly! But if some random person types into your search engine "Animals", "Turkey", "Bob Dylan", "The Internet", "Blogging", "Van Gogh", "Library", "Work", "Coffee", "Vacation", "Halloween", "Disney", "Marcus", "Cats", "Love", "Minnesota", "Patrons", "Co-workers", "Jasper Fforde", "Poetry", "Books", "Satire", "Reading", "Rome", "River", "Moose", "Marketing", or "Writing",  well, then, the chances are that they are probably looking for me. At least, I'm pretty sure there's a good chance they're looking for me. I'm just trying to help you help them find me.

I am sure we only want what's best for each other.




Thank you for your time,
 


clerkmanifesto.com