Friday, December 27, 2013

7 ways to market your blog for those unafraid of moral compromise

Disgusted by the paltry rewards of obscurity? Tired of having only one follower of your blog, who comments "whatever" to every one of your posts? Think you can remain uncorrupted by a little constructive dabbling in evil? Then you are ready to seize and rule the Internet utterly. That's what you really want, isn't is? Just follow these ever so barely wrong tips.

1. Trick people into going to your blog.

You just wrote a charming post about your visit to an old folks home. If you post a link randomly on the Internet with a title of "The elderly are so interesting!" how many people do you think will come read your blog post about the elderly? Did you guess four? You only guessed four because you, like most people, do not understand blog statistics. The correct answer is zero, and it is only as much as zero because you cannot have less than zero. Now try a link to the same exact winsome story about old people, but with the title "Cannibals get a taste for nursing homes!" Now how many hits do you think you will get?

Yes, four is the correct answer this time.

2. Enough with the words already!

Yes, you started a blog because you like writing, but that's not important anymore. You need pictures, maybe of an adorable baby growing out of a man's face, even better if it's a GIF and you can see it growing. Now that's blogging! People do not remain literate to read blogs, they remain literate in order to bicker in the comments sections.

3. The Internet is amazing.

Thinking the Internet is not sentient is a luxury you cannot afford anymore. Every time you view footage of a cat passing out or are able to track down the fact that Stuart Fratkin played Stiles in the movie Teen Wolf Too you should mutter wonderingly to yourself "The internet is amazing!" Ideally you will become so wowed by the wonders of the Internet that you will cease to compose any of your own content and go to a format where you strictly post amazing things you found on the Internet. The Internet will hear your devotion and reward you. Am I just being superstitious? Go roam the Internet, if you can find something that is not both popular and fawning about the Internet you are a master of the search engine and should probably be writing this post instead of me. Well, you should probably be writing this post instead of me anyway, but I got here first. Isn't the Internet amazing?

4. Seed.

Thinking that you are merely one person is pre Internet thinking. You are as many people as you have the energy to maintain on the Internet. A couple days of hard work should get you a hundred identities with Gmail accounts, Facebook accounts, Pinterest, Reddit, etc. An hour a day running around in your new identities hitting thumbs up everywhere you go should turn each of those identities into solid Internet citizens with plenty of friends. Don't waste time on absorbing content. Just, thumbs up, thumbs up, and an occasional "Love it!" or  "lol!" in the comments. Where, you ask, will you find time for this? From all the time you freed up from no longer writing your blog and just randomly posting any vaguely interesting thing you find on the Internet. And what, you wonder, is the point of all these identities? One day all 100 of your identities are going to have a Paul on the road to Damascus experience. And what will this epiphanic experience of all 100 of your identities be? They are, each and every one of them, going to suddenly become wildly, besottedly, lovingly, frighteningly, obsessed with your blog. Don't hold back.

5. Go to an all comments blog.

What does it profit you if a billion people everyday are coming to your blog to see a picture of an exploding whale that you had nothing to do with creating? This is where your comments section comes into play. You can now write your blog posts in the comments section. You can even stage elaborate plays in the comments section via fake discussions and arguments amongst all your assorted identities. It is a well known fact that the Internet is like free food in a workplace break room. People will consume indiscriminately what is before them. Once you have reeled them in with an exploding whale they are yours. Isn't the Internet amazing?

6. Lie to yourself.

How many people read your blog every day? Now that you post exploding whales and freely reference cannibalism, you would probably say "Four." Wrong answer! Your answer is "A billion people read my blog everyday!"  If Google disputes your figure that is because Google is jealous! Google is JEALOUS of YOU!

7. It is not spam if you are the one sending it.

You should figure any word or name you can think of followed by is a valid email address. Sign people up randomly to follow your blog, send them links, send them posts, learn to use bots, spray paint your blog address under bridges, break into houses and set your blog as peoples' home page. If you think people will not read whatever is put in front of them you are operating under outdated Internet assumptions. Did you wake up this morning thinking "I will go onto the Internet today and read a bizarre fever dream of how to immorally market my blog"? No, you did not. But this blog post woke up this morning thinking of you, and it sought you out, and it had you read it. I know this is an uncomfortable truth, but we do not choose what we look at on the Internet, the Internet chooses us. Be the Internet.


  1. Hilarious! Best link I've clicked all day. My favorite line is easily, "People do not remain literate to read blogs, they remain literate in order to bicker in the comments sections." It wouldn't be so funny except that it seems so true.

  2. I LOVE it! Hysterical, but all, where IS my spray paint

  3. Hahaha! Finally, some strategies that will get results!


If you were wondering, yes, you should comment. Not only does it remind me that I must write in intelligible English because someone is actually reading what I write, but it is also a pleasure for me since I am interested in anything you have to say.

I respond to pretty much every comment. It's like a free personalized blog post!

One last detail: If you are commenting on a post more than two weeks old I have to go in and approve it. It's sort of a spam protection device. Also, rarely, a comment will go to spam on its own. Give either of those a day or two and your comment will show up on the blog.