Saturday, December 14, 2013

Jesus said all rich people are going to hell

I am not one usually given to the discussion of scriptural issues, but a recent, possibly rash, vow I made to categorically disdain rich people (in a desperate, culturally corrective attempt for balance) led me to a famous quote of Jesus. It's from the New Testament.

" It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."

I, like you no doubt, have heard this intensely famous quote before, but I had never bothered to do the simple math on it, the whole "Oh, they're saying two plus two so, um, 2+2, OH! They mean four." So then, here is the simple math.

1. A camel cannot get through the eye of a needle. It has never been done. It is impossible.

2. The kingdom of God is widely considered to be synonymous with the kingdom of heaven.

3. Heaven and Hell is a closed, binary system. If one is not going to heaven one must then go to hell.

4. It is harder than impossible (see 1) for a rich person to go to heaven, therefore

5. All rich people are going to hell.

This is unequivocal. It doesn't matter if it doesn't tend to show up on church signs, and it doesn't matter how many lawyers you can get to lawyer it up. Hell, I'm a decent enough legal thinker to figure out dozens of ways to lawyer up this statement, but that's all just song and dance. The title of my little essay here stands. Jesus said all rich people are going to hell.

Do I say this to tweak the noses of Christians? No! You have misunderstood me. I am no great fan of Christianity it is true. And I can really take or leave Jesus, mostly leave, what with the legacy track record and everything. But despite all of this, or perhaps because of all of this, I find myself delighted to suddenly, here, be on the exact same page as Mr. Christ. Frankly, it's a kind of relief. Until he showed up I was all alone on this one with a tiny, remaining group of radical Marxists. They're all in their 80s and 90s and they kind of freak me out.


  1. Binary, eh? No purgatory in your worldview? Actually, none of the three options in my worldview, but I'm ornery.

    1. I am no student of theology, but in my understanding, purgatory would be more temporary, with heaven and hell ultimate and permanent, thus the binary. But, no, none of it in my worldview, er, afterlife view, either.

  2. Oh good lord, now your examining poor old Jesus. Personally I think the story of him getting pissed off and thrashing the bourgeoisie money changers out of the Temple is awesome. The whole "camel needle eye" parable is crystalline and passive, but for him to get all physical and berserk is entirely a different can of beans.

    1. Since I am surfing a wave of replying here I'd just hate to leave you out, so I'll say, if, for fun, we take it all in the spirit of Jesus is, like, God, then there is nothing passive about burning people in screaming agony forever for being loaded. But, yes, as you are a believer in "other" things, like me, I admit then it's all talk, whereas the temple thing was a real man of action moment.


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