Friday, September 6, 2019

The end of the world as reported in the newspaper: Day seven

Here is my fever dream of the end of the world as it is reported in the newspaper. It doesn't matter much from which newspaper... In day one President Trump lashed out at New Zealand, feeling that the lack of cheese on his cheeseburger was attributable to them. The contretemps grew more heated on day two and warships were mysteriously sent to the Tasmanian Sea. In day three missiles rained down on Sidney, Australia seemingly as a warning, but were later claimed to have nothing to do with "Cheeseburgergate". In day four riots at the U.S. Embassy in Australia injured Americans, ramping up the tensions even more as world leaders called for all sides to stand down. On day five Trump stood strong, nations (and political parties) took sides, and Australia was obliterated in a nuclear holocaust. On day six the Democrats finally impeached and Trump replied by bombing Oakland and possibly Paris. 

Day Seven:


Trump Killed in Nuclear Attack on East Coast
Other Areas Also Affected


After a stirring but politically impotent impeachment of the President that the Republican Senate scoffed at, Trump's embattled Presidency came to an end yesterday afternoon as a series of either French, Chinese, Russian, American, or a chance combination of the above's nuclear bombs obliterated the state of Florida. Some of the President's family also died and as many as twenty million bystanders were killed as well in the incident which seems connected to the event now known colloquially as "The Apocalypse".

Below the fold story number one:

This beloved National Newspaper will cease publication due to nuclear missiles heading towards its general location. Concerns have also been raised about loss of advertising revenue and how the billions of dead across the planet will deeply depress its subscriber pool.

Below the fold story number two:

With Trump and many around him now dead due to the thermonuclear war, it is unclear who is currently the president of the United States. Betsy DeVos is currently assuming the role and was last heard from issuing an executive order that the public education system be dissolved in order to fund an emergency tax cut. However, she is now feared dead too.

Third page analysis:

With billions dead across the planet we look back with pride on the great achievements of the American people and those of people everywhere. While it is unclear who is responsible for this nuclear holocaust that appears to be about to take all our lives, we must say that both sides bear real responsibility for the acrimonious environment that has claimed, and is claiming so many lives. Perhaps if New Zealand had been more generous with the President's cheeseburger, or Trump less likely to take so much offense. Perhaps if the Australian people could have forgiven an uncertain mistake, or Democrats could have tempered their acrimony and not provoked Trump with a thrilling but ill-timed Impeachment, none of this needed to have happened. 

The sad thing is that we will never know.

Signing off for the last time,



  1. And on that dismal note, I guess I'll go out and n=mow the lawn. Or should I bother? Maybe I should finish a pint of Ben and Jerry's so it won't go to waste.


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