Sunday, December 29, 2013

Ten things about bowling

After a long hiatus from bowling alleys I went to a bowling alley with my wife. I felt I should assemble my visions into a list of ten, for obvious reasons.

1. It is always 1975 in any bowling alley, even when it is sometimes pretending to be 1958.

2. Golf and bowling are secretly the same sport.

3. Sharing shoes with possibly thousands of other people through shoe rental is so surreal that it instantly short circuits and becomes mundane.

4. I was shocked by how endearing I found my heavily used Velcro bowling shoes, but feel I would have gotten a higher score in my socks.

5. Though I have never even bowled close to 200 let alone 300, I feel I am an excellent candidate to bowl a perfect game because of the way I can so unerringly, so perfectly, and so surgically take out the same three left pins over and over and over.

6. One can only bowl with greatness when one has given up all desire to score well, triumph over other bowlers, or demonstrate mastery. I think this is why I bowled a 75 in the second game.

7. Had I known about the jukebox when I arrived I would have squandered a fortune.

8. Though by no means a bowling purist, I was shocked and disgusted at the sight of grown children using the easily employed gutter bumpers. Gutter bumpers are for toddlers! Toddlers!

9. One can know nothing about bowling, be a terrible bowler, or not have been bowling for a decade, and yet the instant the bowling ball leaves one's hand know the 23 exact things one has done wrong.

10. The people who are in a bowling alley, but are not bowling, have been there forever and will always be there, in 1975, pretending it's 1958, pretending they're just about to leave.


  1. And don't forget the air blowing machine that dries off your sweaty fingers! I discovered that if you dab a little fragrance down the chute it will blow sweet air onto your fingers. That way, the person who uses your aquamarine bowling ball next will have lovely smelling fingers.

  2. I know some people (I one of them even though I don't bowl) that would like to go to a bowling alley with you. But gutter bumpers will be in play ;-)


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