Thursday, October 16, 2014

I appear on American Idol!

Sometimes there is a confluence of unlikely mistakes that leads to disaster. I would like to say that at least not all of these mistakes were my own. Yes, I am responsible for never having seen an episode of American Idol. I also horribly misread the audience. But it was surely their error in which an intensely competitive screening process mysteriously broke down and allowed me onstage to perform without my act having been vetted or previewed in any way.

I thought American Idol was a talent competition more like The Gong Show. I didn't know that it was devoted to singing in particular.

I also didn't know that only young people are allowed on the show.

You see, I am occasionally seized with a desire to publicize my blog, you know, expose a larger audience to it. While I delight in my 50 to 100 regular and occasional readers, sometimes I am feverishly possessed by an overwhelming ambition. "What would it be like," I wonder to myself "To have 300 regular readers?" And then I pass out because it's all too much for me.

But sometimes, when I come to once again, I have a plan.

I had heard American Idol has as many as 20 million viewers. What if I read my blog aloud to them? So I showed up at an American Idol taping, said I was there to perform, and was ushered on to the stage.

I think I would have done much, much better with makeup. There was such chaos in me being rushed to the stage that I didn't get any makeup. I'm afraid it made me look sweaty. Of course, the fact that I was very sweaty made me look sweaty as well.

They asked me what I was going to sing.

This surprised me. I told them awkwardly that I was going to be reading from my Library Blog, I was going to read about libraries.

"Clerk what?" They asked.

"clerkmanifesto" I mumbled.

I hear they can be sort of rough to contestants on American Idol, but they were fairly nice to me. I looked down at my crumpled sheet of text and had one of those mysterious waves of confidence I experience rarely, but occasionally. "This crowd is in for some kind of treat!" I thought. Then I began reading:

Wabi Sabi Library

Wabi Sabi is a Japanese aesthetic valuing the imperfection in things, the imperfect, impermanent and incomplete. The slow, the weathered, the authentic and the unfinished. I am very enthusiastic about Wabi Sabi and seek at all times to bring the principles and beauty of Wabi Sabi to my Library. This is why when someone comes to my desk and says "I would like to renew this book." I say "I would like for this to happen too. Perhaps if we both concentrate."

It went on from there and if you want to read the rest, by all means, click here.

It only took a couple minutes to read and I was pretty sure, while I was reading, that the large audience was enraptured. It was only when I finished and was met by a most disturbing silence that I realized this was not the case.

"Er. Thank you." Said one of the judges quietly, almost sadly.

Apparently I was the first person ever on American Idol to receive zero votes.

It was a bit uncomfortable. I still feel it was a good piece, just not suitable for, er, most, um, people on the planet. Also I looked all sweaty, which, as we know, was Nixon's downfall in the Kennedy Nixon debates. Or one of Nixon's downfalls.

Nevertheless, after the whole fiasco was over, I did go home and check my blog statistics. I wondered if, even if I didn't get any votes, perhaps among twenty million viewers there were some people who showed an interest in my blog.

According to my statistics I got four hits. But I think one of those four was a regular reader. So, actually, in the end, three people out of twenty million came and took a look at my blog due to my appearance on American Idol. Sure, to you that might not sound super impressive, but it's about par for me re exposure and results. And I'm pretty sure one of those readers, a person from Burlington, Vermont has become a semi regular reader. 

So in the end, you probably wonder, was the humiliation worth it?

I guess so. You know the saying  "A bisel und a bisel vert a fule schisl".

That means "Little by little you get a full pot."

Welcome Vermonter!

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If you were wondering, yes, you should comment. Not only does it remind me that I must write in intelligible English because someone is actually reading what I write, but it is also a pleasure for me since I am interested in anything you have to say.

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