Thursday, February 12, 2015

About your dog

Dear Neighbor,

As you probably know by now your dog is dead. But whether you were under the misapprehension that your dog was merely snoozing under his favorite tree (he isn't), or you already buried him, I would like to offer my condolences. I also apologize. Unfortunately, I have killed your dog.

Firstly let me assure you that this was not a premeditated act on my part. As I was walking by your yard, your dog, teeth bared and barking fiercely, sprang at the chain link fence separating us. Startled, I pulled out my animal tranquilizer pistol and shot him. With enough drug to sedate a horse now coursing through his bloodstream, your dog wandered drunkenly over to your tree, stopped breathing, and collapsed. I can assure you that his death was painless, and, in a way, he died happy, protecting his family home. Except, of course, he wasn't actually protecting his family home since I had no designs on your family home.

You may at some point wonder why I carry with me a loaded animal tranquilizer gun. I do so to protect myself from the rabid raccoons, possums, and skunks that travel up the storm drains from the river into our neighborhood. I do not carry it to shoot dogs, though, admittedly, that is what seems to keep happening.

Because I shot and killed your beloved pet you are maybe wondering and worrying "Is my neighbor a dangerous psychopath?"

Please be reassured, I am most emphatically not. If the very fact of my writing this note of apology for killing your dog doesn't establish that, then I feel that your pet cat's supremely warm reception of me does. From the moment I came near your property your cat seemed nothing other than extraordinarily pleased with me and with every activity I engaged in on your property. If you have any concerns regarding the safety of your other pets please know that your cat has absolutely nothing to fear from me.

Once again, I am sorry I shot your dog, and I do hope we can continue to have warm neighborly relations.

In contrition,

Your neighbor.


  1. Replies
    1. Thank you for saying so. I will try to let it go to my head.

  2. Was it really that easy to do? Where can I procure some of that stuff? I like dogs, but don't like when they snarl and charge at me when I am minding my own business and not even near their property. I have pepper spray, but worry that it may not be as effective as the trank. Any advice appreciated. Thank you.

    1. Not that we like to endorse companies here on our unprofit blog, but may I suggest

      I can't go there without blowing a couple thousand dollars I can't afford (as an aside I will no longer leave my house without wearing stock # 26948 Vet pro forearm and upper arm guards).

      For the heavy stuff I have a fake veterinarian license (I like to think I use it responsibly). I also hang out in University wildlife biology departments and try to "make friends"

      Good luck, and remember, animals are our pals!


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