Friday, July 17, 2015

Letter of apology

As some of my friends will know, I am a very busy person these days and have found the form letter to be an efficient means of communication. There's nothing like settling down to write a long personal letter and needing merely to check a few boxes and fill in a few short blank spaces to be on my way to the post office. So now, whenever I find myself engaged in other bulk writing activities, like sending fan mail, posting angry comments on the Internet, or demanding justice from companies I have transacted business with, I think, hey, couldn't I have a form letter for this?

Usually I can!

Naturally you are eager to see one of these useful form letters. Maybe you can even use it for yourself. I am happy to oblige.

But first a little background.

Overworked, desperately in need of vacation, angry at the summer heat, at management and at major system breakdowns at my workplace, I have been frightfully snappish to my co-workers. I have had to repeatedly apologize for my churlish behavior. Naturally all these apologies are tiresome and just make me more irritable, creating a vicious circle.

Then I remembered the great virtues of form letters. After dashing out the following "Apology at Work" letter, my problems at work, while not solved, are at least more manageable.

Dear ___________________;

You are one of my

___ Favorite
___ Most Solid
___ Most Ancient
___ (Blank)

co-workers, and I bitterly regret that I

___ Yelled at
___ Spoke harshly to
___ Mocked
___ Broke down weeping in front of

you. I'm afraid that

___ Stresses at work
___ Stresses at home
___ You

have pushed me over the edge. But that is no reason for me not remaining

___ Professional.
___ Civil.
___ Begrudgingly tolerant.
___ Properly disinterested in everything around me.

My disagreeable behavior was

___ Not your fault.
___ Other peoples' fault, and they are really the ones who should be apologizing.
___ Your fault, but I'm apologizing due to legal requirements.

I assure you my conduct will be

___ Better
___ Sneakier
___ The same because I have this handy apology form letter

in the future, and I deeply regret any

___ Sadness
___ Harm
___ Feelings of righteousness

I have caused you.

I apologize.


___ Co-worker,
___ Friend,
___ Nominal superior by virtue of seniority,

F. Calypso

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