Sunday, March 27, 2016
Dear Bald Eagle
Dear Bald Eagle:
I don't know if you receive letters, seeing as you're a bird (no offense), but because pictures of you are so prominently featured at my local post office I thought a letter was a good enough bet as a way to reach you. I certainly don't have any better solutions. Yelling at you 300 feet over my head is neither seemly nor likely to be heard, and I certainly don't have an email address for you. Guessing your address as firstname.lastname@example.org seems far more likely to reach a shaved headed patriot than a noble scavenging bird of prey such as yourself.
But you are probably wondering why I'm writing you. I'll get right to it.
First of all, I was so honored and delighted you decided to accompany me on my walk this morning. I can't tell you how thrilling it was to look up and see you soaring in the sky above me. And that you stayed with me for two whole miles along the river was incredibly friendly, so you should know all that off the top. Plus, and I really hope you won't think I'm just buttering you up, I do think you're very majestic. Yes, majestic, that's you, and so it was very awe inspiring to see you overhead, really amazing. You're one impressive bird (I hope you don't mind me calling you a bird). But the fact that you're so majestic is kind of the problem.
You might not know this, but you're so majestic that I kind of have an unwritten rule that if you're around it's a special occasion. And my job on this special occasion is to look up at and be inspired by your birdish majesty (no offense, I don't know how you feel about being a bird). And I am glad to do this looking. It's very inspiring and ennobles my spirit. Unfortunately it hurts my neck, especially after, like, half an hour of it.
So the reason I'm writing you, respectfully, is to ask that when you come for a walk with me, you don't fly directly over my head, rather, ideally, you stay out in front of me, to the left or the right. Or you could just generally stay to the side of me. You can also be directly in front of me or even behind. Just, overhead is, and this is my thing, not a criticism of you in any way, it's difficult. If you could change your position I would be deeply appreciative and would be even more ennobled by you, and would enjoy our little walks even more than I already do, and I would defend you against the other birds who I think are just being a little jealous.
Anyway, thank you for your time and attention to this matter. See you on the river!