Wednesday, April 6, 2016

A brief guide to smart phones

I don't own a smart phone. If I have to make a phone call I put it off for as long as possible. If I still have to make a phone call after all of that then I sit down and write a long, thoughtful letter which I never send.

But that's just me. You might prefer a smart phone. But you may be unclear on what a smart phone is or does, even if you own one. Fortunately I have been making an observational study of them. I think I have them worked out. I used to hold these wee, portable phones in disdain, but now that I understand them I can see their appeal.

Here are the seven things you can do with a smart phone that I have discovered so far:

1. Yell your location at it.

2. Tell it what you're having for dinner.

3. Play hide and seek with it.

4. Have it make harsh, musical noises in quiet places.

5. Put it to the side of your head to initiate its motor vehicle operation mode.

6. Not show someone something on it due to technical problems.

7. Poke it obsessively with your finger.

I do not mean to imply this is a comprehensive list. I understand these are very advanced pieces of technology and so their capabilities grow all the time. There may be as many as nine actual things you can do with a smart phone, and, in the years to come, we will surely see a tenth.

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