Wednesday, May 11, 2016

It's just business

If you checked out materials from another public library anywhere in the greater metropolitan area you can return it to us!

We will simply put a slip in it with the current date and route it to the library system you checked it out from. It will take a little while to get back to them, but when they get it they will backdate their check in time to the date you returned it to us. It's a very useful system and it works pretty well too. Just don't try and renew your books if you hear that they are late because it will treat them like they're overdue. Simply return, ignore everything, and all will be well in the end.

If you ask me if you can return items between systems I will explain all of this to you. I will be sunshine and flowers about it. And I will mean it. You are a delightful patron and I take joy in any of our services that might make things easier or more convenient for you. I like you. I am happy to do my job. 

And when I am working on the automated check in machine, and you return one or more of these cross system books for me to take care of I will hate your guts.

It will be frightening how much I hate you. I will stamp my feet like a foiled Rumpelstiltskin. I will loathe you. I will think mean things about you. I will hope your liver fails. You will disgust me and fill me with unreasoning rage. You will be an enemy of the world, everything that is wrong with humanity, a tool of injustice. My heart will boil with despising. I will start to shake and mutter swear words. My whole soul will cry out at the torture you have visited upon me. Every good deed you have ever done in the whole of your life will be as nothing, violated into dust by the magnitude of your hideous and monstrous act.

Then I will take your materials and put some date stamped slips in them and put them in a transit box. Job done. Simple.

No hard feelings, eh?


  1. Replies
    1. You would know, what with your working at the beating heart and mysterious acronymed source for the whole process.

      P.S. I heard rumors of your visit to your old stomping grounds. I'm sorry I missed it.

    2. Me too. I'll catch you next time. Keep up the good work.


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