President Trump

I'm not going to let it go. Why would I let it go?


First there was a flurry of opinion pieces published across the country that were all, more or less, "Whose fault was it?"


Then, as those essays were exhausted, we got all the opinion pieces that said, again more or less, "Now is not the time for blame. Now we must move forward."


And sure, we can move forward, though the eagerness to do so is suspicious. Nevertheless there are famous quotes about how we must, at our peril, remain cognizant of our history. I won't employ those famous quotes here because my spotlight is so dim I am reluctant to cede it to others for even a moment. But I think you get the idea anyway. So before we "move on" we must absolutely, authoritatively know what just happened. There is not one simple answer to the question of who was to blame. The darkness we have called down upon ourselves through strange, misguided occult rites (Democracy being merely the black kettle we made it in) was only possible through a collusion of factors. I have assembled these into a list, going from least impactful to most impactful. Yes, we can go forward, but only if we keep this list at the forefront of our minds each step of the way. Otherwise, we will simply walk in circles.

The (Only) Authoritative List of Who or What Was Responsible For the Election of Donald Trump to the Presidency

10. The Cubs

By winning the World Series they briefly upset the fabric of probabilities in the nation, making the absurdly unlikely into the probable. 

9. Early supporters of Hilary Clinton for President

Don't feel too bad if this is you as you are only a bit more guilty than the Chicago Cubs, who simply and reasonably tried to and succeeded at winning the World Series! 

Nevertheless, voting for someone slightly right of center is not an effective strategy for combating the far right. In a binary system it just drives the conventional rhetoric over to where the center-right is considered the left, causing you to slip in a small puddle of blood while voting in the primaries and accidentally punching the slot for Hilary as you twist your ankle and fall to your knees.

8. The Rich

No, seriously, there is something wrong with you people. Even Jesus thinks you are all going to Hell. He even put it in his little bible!
 

7. Our hunger for entertainment

Mea culpa. I look at traffic accidents. I understand the impulse to see what was the crazy thing that lunatic just said. I know what it's like to feel the heat and the decades of political disappointment and say "The hell with it. Let's just let the whole goddamn building burn the fuck down!"

And then I remember that my cat is inside.

6. The Schools

Seeing as everyone in this country had to go to school for 12 or 13 years and then came out the other end with a quarter of them voting for an opportunistic bully and with half of them not managing to vote at all, I'm pretty sure we could've just let all the children stay home and watch Get Smart reruns and have done at least as well.

Ah well, we almost won. Missed it by that much. 

If only he would have used his magic hair for niceness instead of evil.

5. God

The cards on the table look pretty bad, God. Your bluff has been called. You're going to have to have something amazing in your hand. Even aces won't do. You will need magic cards. Yes, you heard that right: It is now or never for your "magic" cards.

And if you say one more time "I'm just the dealer." I will seriously call an end to all religion on this planet forever.

4. Rising to the bait.

That's right America, we have been trolled. Our fingernails dug marks into the hardwood of our table tops. Veins throbbed in our foreheads. We cried out "Did you hear what he said? Everyone must see that it's terrible what he said! Can you believe he said something so terrible?"


It turns out the appropriate response was "Did you hear something? No? Me neither."

3. Taking it seriously.

Silly things like joking about Trump's remarkably small fingers (how does he hold a pen!) were amazingly effective, and though a part of me can see that there is nothing funny about a President Trump, there is another part of me that finds it hilarious when he tries to pick up a glass of water, but it's just too wide!
 

2. The Fair and Free Press

In as much as you can blame something that does not actually exist, the press, with it's false equivalencies, terror over change, fawning relationship to power, and billionaire owners might even belong in the top spot here. As the left clamors about fighting on, maybe the lot of them could get together and make one single decent independent real (online and print) newspaper, not another breathless site for a million leftist opinion pieces, but a primary news source produced by paid, resourceful open eyed reporters writing the cruel and truthful news, hammering it into the daily discourse like a stake into a Vampire's heart.

1. The people who voted for him.

Then there are the actual votes. That's how it works. Among the "Jews for Hitler" crowd, more than a quarter of Latinos voted for him and almost half of all women. Some blacks voted for him, and even Muslim immigrants voted for him. Poor people voted for him in droves, and, famously, white men voted heavily for him. 

Not a single one of them will accrue any advantage from it.

And so, not being willing to be torn down into name calling, or into the incivility that has been horribly crowned in this country, I will say to all these people, the most culpable in this sad event, that which must be said. I will remain respectful, and though what I say will be challenging and complex for them to follow, I will also speak to them in a language they can understand.

Respectfully then, to you who voted for Donald Trump:

"Well, like duh."