Ice-5

NEWS RELEASE:




The Army Corps of Engineers released Ice-5 into the wild today in an area near the Mississippi River in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Ice-5 alters the freezing temperature of water to 37.55 degrees Fahrenheit, and has been designed to combat the effects of global warming. The new freezing temperature of water is expected to slowly spread from the upper Midwest this winter. It is estimated that it will reach the polar ice caps by late 2017 where it is hoped it will slow rising ocean levels.

The ICE Program was developed in the 1950's for the American Military. Originally designed to assist in the operation of amphibious vehicles, the project was scrapped due to safety concerns. In early 2011 the project was revived and quickly seen as one of the most promising last ditch solutions to the problem of Global Warming. Scientists at the Army Corps of Engineers were able to redesign the ICE Program to create Ice-5, a temperature specific solution to the freezing point of water. It is believed the higher freezing point of water will stop the melting of the Polar Ice Caps and, possibly, begin to rebuild them. As an added benefit it is expected to make winter more "wintry" and Christmas more white.

Critics of the program. one that was only recently revealed to the public, are concerned about the unforeseen consequences of this fundamental alteration of the nature of water. Damage to the ecosystem, they claim, may be grave and irreversible. But when these critics were told "Fine, then stop driving a car!" They got real quiet-like and went off somewhere to apply for more science grants.

If you are in the Minneapolis area this week, where the temperature is an unseasonably pleasant 37 degrees, and you plan on going for a walk along the river, please be careful. The sidewalks will be slippery.