Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Publishing volume 2

Dear Publisher:

It is time for you to publish my second collection of essays from The Clerkmanifesto.

No, you didn't publish my first collection. There isn't a first collection. Why do you ask?

Look, do you want to publish my collection of essays or don't you?

What do you mean? Don't you publish books? This is a book, and a very high quality one at that. You should be thrilled to publish this collection.

No, they haven't been "printed" anywhere, and I don't know what you're getting at. If they'd already been published why would I want you to publish a book of them? Do you seriously mean to tell me you only publish used writing?

Of course I have a following. But I don't think they'd buy a book. They're more library people. They'd get it from a library. But really, isn't it your job as publisher to go out and get the audience. I create the product, which is timeless writing for all the ages, and you print it up and sell it. That's why we split the profits.

What do you mean we don't split the profits?

Well then all the more so. There should be TV commercials, full page ads, and a team of marketers. Hell, I expect you to be going door to door yourself selling this thing. We don't split the profits. The hubris of you publishers!

Send you it? Why would I send you it? It's done. You can certainly take my word for it that it's good.

What? It doesn't need any edits. I chose all the words personally.

You don't understand why you would want to publish this book? Why are you wasting my time then? Of course you would want to publish this book. Anyone would want to publish this book!

Because it's great writing. It's beautiful writing. It's writing for all time!

And? And? Well, because we can make a ton of money together! 

Also, I think you'll find I'm very easy to work with.


F. Calypso

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