How to write a popular blog post

Are you tired of having only three people read the blog post you labored over for hours? Are you discouraged by the fact that having three people read your blog post means you vastly exceeded the Internet average for number of readers of any non corporate web page? I am here to help! I have been blogging for four years now and know every trick, method, device, and scam for getting millions of people to read any blog post. Popularity may not be everything, but you might like to use my advice to see what if feels like, at least just one time, to be the single most read person on the Internet.

How To Write a Popular Blog Post

 

1. Keep it simple!

You are not writing a Doctoral Dissertation here! You are sharing one clear thought at a time. Keep that singular focus throughout the whole of your blog post. Let people connect with what you're saying and don't lose them with your idiosyncratic fascinations with abstruse aracanological digressionary convolutions! When you make it overtaxing for the reader you break faith with the covenant they formed with you after being taken with your extraordinarily charming early sentences about having only three readers. Also try to put in a few jokes while you're at it. Keep it light. And remember what the reader wants. But don't lose track of what's important to you! Proofread. No one likes grammatical errors. Stay hydrated and get enough sleep. As James Joyce so ably put it “Thus the unfacts, did we possess them, are too imprecisely few to warrant our certitude...”  


2. Write what you know!

Just kidding. If we knew stuff we wouldn't write. But you should probably pretend you know stuff and then whip yourself up into a lather about it. 


3. Be useful!

You think I don't understand the deep impulse to share, to give, to feel? Hah! I understand. But once you understand the fact that one single popular diet book and one book purporting to teach you to be an "effective" person are enough to outsell the entire world's output of poetry for a decade, then you know that all your feelings and goodness and love will need to be locked up and hidden away forever.

Here, take a look at these two blog post examples:

A. I woke up this morning grief-stricken and depressed. I realized I had been trying to lock up and hide away all my feelings and goodness and love and now I had nothing. I stumbled downstairs and decided to try and make myself feel better by eating until I felt sick, but the only food I had was an unopened jar of pickles. "Just as well." I muttered bitterly. I would eat the pickles then. But I could not open the top of the jar so I lay on the floor of the kitchen and wept for several hours.

Or...

B. If you have, say, a jar of pickles you cannot get open here is a great trick: Take a tablespoon of salt and mix it thoroughly with a roughly equal quantity of warm, even hot water. Gently pour or spoon it onto the surface of your jar lid. Let it sit for a minute or two. Then, grasping the lid in a kitchen towel gently turn counterclockwise. When this doesn't work apply all your strength until you hurt your shoulder. When this doesn't work, even though you read it would on the fucking Internet, throw the fucking jar of pickles against the wall, crying out "It's hopeless! It's all hopeless!" Then lay on the floor of your kitchen and weep for several hours. Be careful of the glass shards.


4. Never give up!

The courage to stand up for what you... oh, what's the point...hopeless, all hopeless!