Monday, January 16, 2017

Publisher's warning

Dear Publisher:

You are going to want to publish this manuscript! It is full of short essays that will delight you, make you think deeply about your assumptions, cause you to reconsider the nature of the world, and lead you into fits of laughter. You are going to be very excited about publishing this book.

Do not do it! Do not publish this manuscript! No good will come of it.

Perhaps you are now wondering "Is this some kind of reverse psychology?"

No, it is not reverse psychology. It is not even slightly reverse psychology. It is a warning from the bottom of my heart. Do not publish this book!

Allow me to list my reasons:

1. Even though I am a very nice person, I suspect I will be a very difficult, very contrary author to work with. Just look at this crazy letter.

2. You read several of my little essays and thought I was some kind of a genius. However, did you notice how you stopped reading after going through just half a dozen of them? Your mind sort of wandered didn't it? Your suddenly needing a snack, a nap, or to look up soup recipes are all signs. These are important signs. Consider these signs.

3. My work, you may have also noticed, is for the ages. You have sensed this. That's what got you excited. This is what makes you good at your job. Unfortunately the ages are quite a distance from here. The ages may even be lifetimes away. Lifetimes! At this current point in time my work just strikes most people as vaguely confusing. Vaguely confused people don't buy books, they elect presidents!

4. My work is cursed. You probably, sensibly, don't believe in curses. Nevertheless you have a strange, unsettling feeling in your stomach right now. Is it cursed because I make fun of God? Is it cursed because because I dare speak the truth too directly? Or is it cursed because it's just not all that great? I don't know, but it is cursed. You can try and outsmart the curse. You can grab a bag of sand that's equal in weight to my manuscript and quickly switch them. It may even look like you got away with it, but in short order you will be running for your life from a giant stone ball racing to crush you.

So, now that I've convinced you you are probably wondering why I would send a submission to you and then inveigle you not to publish it. 

Ach, you know artists. Crazy as a bag of bats.

Yours in all warmth and consideration,

Feldenstein Calypso, genius

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