Friday, March 3, 2017

Mike Matt Mark

I was meeting Matt Damon at Du Nord, a distillery in my neighborhood that also serves cocktails. Matt was there for some meeting George Clooney had set up between me and Matt to try and "help" me. Clooney likes to help me. I like to help him by letting him try. We're a mutual aid society.

Anyway, Mr. Damon did not know what I looked like, and when I saw him, sitting forlornly at the end of a dark bar, poking at his phone, I decided to tease him a little. I ordered a glass of sparkling water, glanced over at him a couple times, looked away a couple times, and finally asked "Do you go to the _______ Library a lot?"

"The ________ Library? No, I'm not from here." Mr. Damon replied.

"You look familiar." I said, not letting it go.

"I'm an actor." Matt said.

"You check out mysteries." I said. "You're always reading those Dick Francis books."

"No, really. I've never been to your library."

"You're sure? It's uncanny how familiar you look. I could swear it."

"It's not me, sorry." He said, returning to his phone.

"Mike? You're Mike? No! Mark. You're Mark! Whitney or something." I exclaimed.

"Matt." He said "Not Mike or Mark. I played Mark Watney in a movie called The Martian. Maybe that's what you're thinking?"

"Oh. I saw that movie. That was a good movie!"

"Glad you liked it. So that's it then."

"No." I said. "I know you from somewhere."

He checked his watch. He looked around the room, presumably for me, but he didn't know what I looked like. "Seriously, man, I'm in a lot of movies. You're probably just mixing that up with something. I've never even been to Minnesota before."

"You don't like Minnesota?" I asked.

"It seems fine. Look, can I just do this?" He said, gesturing to his phone.

"Sure, just, do I look familiar at all to you?"

"No. No. I don't know you okay. You don't know me."

"Have you been to Lake Como, in Italy."

Damon looked up for once from his phone and gave me suspicious glare. "Yes." He said tentatively.

"Have you been to Laglio? To Villa Oleandra?" I asked.

"You bastard." He said, laughing.

"That's it then." I said. "I saw you at George Clooney's Villa Oleandra."

Matt Damon laughed. "Clooney did this. Clooney is such an asshole!"

"To business?" I said smiling.

"To business." My new buddy Matt Damon said.

But first we ordered drinks.

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