Thursday, March 30, 2017

Publishing campaign

Dear Publisher:

Drop everything!

Attached you will find my first collection of essays and you are going to want to go all in when it comes to publishing them. Cancel publication of all other books! Hire more marketing people. Prepare for an initial print run of a million copies! This is it. This is the big one.

You will want to choose your best editor to work with me. In fact, just send all your editors my way. Send secretaries, accountants, scribes, lawyers, and documentary filmmakers. This will test and try every aspect of your skill as a publisher and editor. This is indeed the publishing event of a lifetime.

You will need to take out full page ads on behalf of this book in every newspaper and magazine of note in America. Start sending out your press releases now. Hire more publicists. There is no time to waste. This is history in the making. Buy TV spots. Do they still sell TV spots? Of course they do. Get them, but only on good shows, whatever those are, and hire a genius director to direct the TV spots. Leave no stone unturned. Waste no chances. Publishing will not see a golden chance like this for another hundred years!

Call in favors from friends. Work round the clock. Get me on talk shows. Flood social media. Hire the greatest, most expensive cover artist and designer in the business.  Host lavish literati parties in my honor in New York City with caviar and champagne and fresh olive oil tastings. Spread wild rumors about the stunning quality of my work and about the bidding wars to acquire it. Prepare the vellum! Get more printing presses! Go go go!!!!


Why? Why will you need to do all this?

Well, my work doesn't tend to be very popular. It needs all the help it can get.


  1. This is all so terribly exiting! Now i can say "i knew him way back when...." Now i too can finally be a poseur and sycophant and do stuff like carry your luggage and fetch your latte & drive around wear dark sunglasses & sniff down at all the rabble. Finally! Thanks to the recognition of your genius i get some frickin' status!

    1. I'm glad you're excited. Even though nothing has happened yet you should totally practice sniffing down at the rabble. Even if nothing works out that would be a useful skill to develop.

    2. Oh my, i could never do that. That is, i could never sniff down at the rabble UNTIL YOUR BIG BREAK! I'm tired of a lifetime of humility. Please, you must work that genius harder!

    3. Me too! Me too! I am sooo tired of a lifetime of humility! Exhausted! I shall redouble my efforts for the both of us!


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