Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Disappearing genius

Dear Google:

As you know I've been writing a blog on your platform for a few years now. The blog is called clerkmanifesto. Your platform is called "Google Blogger". I am the last one using it. I am actually the last traditional blogger on the Internet, so I can understand why you might have forgotten about your old blogger platform, what with all your new things, like self-driving cars and spy glasses and providing 43 varieties of free cereal in your exalted secret corporate employee enclaves. I'm not complaining. I was just wondering if you could help me out.

Let me explain.

Lately I have been writing Publishers asking them to publish a book of my essays. These are all essays taken from my blog. They're really good! At least, I thought they were. So in these letters to publishers I kind of talked these essays up, because, well, I was pretty sure they were amazing, so maybe it wasn't really talking them up at all. I used the word "genius" a lot, and I tried to prepare them for the reading experience of a lifetime, one that would shatter their vision of the world and suffuse the sky with more stars than they ever dreamed possible. You know, that kind of thing.

Then, exciting, scintillating letter to the publisher written, it was time to attach my essays and send them off to get my publishing contract. I went looking through my blog for some of my best ones, thinking it would be the work of a few pleasant and diverting minutes all while basking in my litany of triumphs. I read a few, thinking the especially good ones were coming up any second, but then they just... didn't. Reading late into the night and on to the early morning I went through all 1,524 of my blog posts and yet somehow all the super geniusy ones were missing. I was totally confused. I looked through my old collection of post it note drafts for clues, but came up blank there too. I mean, maybe I put them in some kind of weird, extra special folder by accident, but I simply cannot find them. I then wondered if maybe this was something on your end? Can you look around and see if maybe you have them printed out and sitting in a carton somewhere? Or maybe they're in your Google Blogger file cabinet. It should be pretty easy to find. The blog is called "clerkmanifesto" and, as I said, I'm almost certain it's the only blog left, so I doubt there's a lot of files there. Maybe you could have an Intern take a quick look in the Blogger office. I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks again, in advance, for your help in this matter,

F. Calypso 

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