Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Dark dream

Talking about back pain is like describing a dream to someone. One feels it, but it is already so difficult to describe to oneself, how could another understand the details of how it works?

So I won't try too much to explain here.

Let's say that I went for a morning walk and suddenly something deep in my back started slowly to erupt. With it came terror, partly from how inscrutable it is and partly from not knowing how enormous the explosion is going to be. Like a magical talisman I said "Pain is my friend, pain is my friend." as calmly as I could under the circumstances. I tried to breathe. I massaged it as I could, as much as I could. And unbidden I imagined this, almost itself like a dream:

I go to Heaven. 

"Welcome." Says the angel. "Is there anything you'd like to know?"

"Yes." I respond. "All these dozens of back injuries, hundreds of them, with patterns and without patterns, seemingly the result of some movement, and then seemingly the result of none, out of the blue, excruciating, or mild, running for months, or running for five minutes. I long to know, what caused them?"

And the angel answered "I don't know."

"I don't understand. Isn't this heaven? How can you not know?"

And the angel said "They only know in hell."

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