Tuesday, January 8, 2019


Simple foods are the best foods. What overwrought kitchen construction of a dish could possibly rival a sweet, pure mandarin orange, just pulled from out of its jeweler's cloak of a skin? What twisted contrivance of food can stand up to a summer tomato, cherry red and bursting from its flower? What overworked, complicated conundrum of an edible could ever rival a simple berry, wild on the vines?

The answer, of course, is mayonnaise.

Yes, mayonnaise.

Hey, let's make some mayonnaise!

You need a vintage, 1980's Cuisinart. Put a raw egg in it. It has to be organic so you can tell yourself you won't get any diseases from it. Don't include the shell. Throw in, I don't know, a couple hearty splashes of sherry vinegar and as large a pinch of salt as your fingers can humanly make. Squeeze in the juice of half a lime, but don't work at it too much. Plop in a goodly spoonful of honey. Pour in the amount of olive oil that if it were in a skillet would make you say "Whoa! Way too much oil!"

Close up the lid on your vintage 80's Cuisinart. Turn it on and let it go a couple of minutes.

Now you need toasted walnut oil.

Fill up your feeder cup with it while the machine is running. It will slowly drip out thorough the hole at the bottom. For years I didn't know about the hole and patiently poured in oil in as fine a stream as possible. Then my wife said "Hey, there's a hole!"


After the oil is done turn off the Cuisinart and open it up. Uh oh! It looks a little too soft and liquidy! Surely one has to add something.

You know what you add?

More walnut oil!

I know, crazy, but that's how it works!

But first peel a thumb-sized clove of garlic and throw it in.

Now fill another feeder cup of walnut oil while the Cuisinart is running. When it's all empty you will have...


Spread it thickly on good, fresh, rough bread. You can put other things on the bread if you want, but you don't have to.

Why don't you have to?

Because simple foods are the best foods.

And what could be simpler than mayonnaise?


  1. Why on earth am I vaguely recalling you returning from an art history class at CCAC with some notion of Mayonnaise & the Baroque? Didn't it involve asparagus too?

    1. No, you are onto something, just a bit off course. Mayonnaise was an invention of the Rococo. When I learned that everything fell into place for me.

  2. Yes, at least I'm recalling your gnossis of the stuff. You had a genuinely transformative experience through the reception of arcain knowledge.
    Cool beans!


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