Sunday, April 21, 2019
Dear Publisher: The deal
You'd better sit down.
I'm about to offer you an unprecedented opportunity.
As you will see from the following samples, I am the greatest writer that ever lived, or one of them that are in the top third, roughly, so, close enough.
But as yet I have gone unremunerated for this... gift.
You see, I have been working at a library, and I simply couldn't be bothered about it. But lately I have been feeling a little tired of working at a library. Lately I have been thinking about cashing in.
Now I understand that simply being a magnificent writer isn't, sadly, enough, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. The market is as important, if not even far more important, in casting the financial fortunes of a book.
This is why I am offering you the unique opportunity to dictate every single aspect of this book to harness my talent.
Not just genre, or the details of what the book's about in order to hit the current trends and needs of the public, but the style, the tone, and the language. And it doesn't stop at merely the prose, subject, pages, and contents! I am at your beck and call. How I market is up to you. What I say is guided entirely by your publishing wisdom. You say where I go and when. You say what time and I will be there. You say change and I'll change! Indeed, you say who I should be and I will be that person!
Let's do this. Let's make a bestseller!
I just have a short list of provisos to make sure we're on the same page and that everything goes smoothly.
1. I'm just a little bit particular about font.
2. I'm not very comfortable changing things around once I've gone to all the trouble of writing them in the first place.
3. I'm very attached to the words "um" and "very" and understand this can be challenging for editors.
4. I'm not at all comfortable writing about, um, well, you know.
5. I can only do marketing, interviews, correspondence, and public speaking on Tuesday mornings. An early lunch should probably be provided.
6. While my prose is highly adaptable, and I'm fully amenable to your direction, my work always seems to come out sticking it to "The Man". I don't mean this personally.
7. I don't like research, preferring to "make things up".
8. I should be the reader for my audiobook.
9. I have a couple of really cute pictures you might like for the front cover.
10. If you'd just happen to prefer printing my submitted pages exactly as is, as a book, that might be for the best. I mean, thinking of your own convenience here, mostly.
No matter what I'm really looking forward to working with you, whatever it takes!
With the greatest regard,