Wednesday, April 24, 2019
Joe Biden announces
It has come to our attention that at precisely 2:17 p.m., on Thursday afternoon, Joe Biden will be announcing his candidacy for the President of the United States. As excited as we are to learn every, uh, detail of the fact that, er, he will be running for President, including, according to all reports, how he will be running for President, and um, how it means he will be one of the Presidential Candidates, er, starting right...about...then, I will, tragically, have to miss all this new... information.
I would, of course, love to see the fulfillment of this, er, thing. I mean, who wouldn't?
Unfortunately we have a scheduling conflict here. I have a series of very important announcements of my own that I'll be making right here at that very same time, and though Joe Biden has rescheduled his announcement 11 times now, it is, apparently, too late for either of us to change our plans. So, sadly, we will be announcing simultaneously.
This means you will have to choose!
I hate to make you choose between me and Joe Biden!
But I must, and I will do it as fairly as possible by presenting the detailed schedules of our respective announcements.
Joe Biden Announcement Schedule:
1:54 Announcement speculating on pre-announcer.
2:08 Pre-announcer announcing Joe Biden.
2:17 Joe Biden announcing.
2:27 People with absolutely nothing to say talk among themselves after the announcement, rehashing what was announced.
Clerkmanifesto Announcement Schedule:
1:45 Surprise handouts of wads of cash, several kittens, and a late period Van Gogh.
1:55 Cancer cure reveal with the head of the AMA and all living Nobel Prize Winners for Medicine.
2:04 Humorous blog post reading.
2:11 Introduction of absolute first ever in history REDACTED .
2:19 Time allotted for prolonged joyful weeping, cheers, applause.
2:24 Guided question and answer session with first ever REDACTED .
2:28 Cocktails, wine, and cheese for everyone!
I hope you enjoy whichever of these announcements you decide to attend. Don't think of it as something you're missing, rather think of it as a win-win situation where you can't make a bad choice.