Monday, August 19, 2019

Bringing libraries into the 21st century

Dear Library Patron,

We know that you love your local library. But what if it were even better?

We'd like to make it better, but we need your help!

Consider becoming a supporting member of your local library. For $100 a year, that's less than two dollars a week, you can make the difference in keeping us open longer, allowing us to provide less greasy books, and in providing a slightly less rude staff. But showing your support in this generous manner won't just give us the vital resources we need to continue to provide top quality library services such as seven year old computers, bathrooms, and programs for teens that will irritate you when you hear them happening from throughout the library,  it will also get you the special benefits that only supporting members receive! One hundred dollars a year (or $250 for your whole family) will get you your own bronze library card. This handsome bronze card allows early access to the library for a full two hours before regular opening and stay after privileges for an hour after our regular closing on week nights.

Not enough? You want more? Join us at the silver card level. Five hundred dollars gets you and your family silver card privileges. This includes all the bronze level privileges, plus access to our exciting new Target Weekend Nights at the Library, featuring four fun open hours after closing on Friday and Saturday just for you. Enjoy our open bar, roaming jugglers, and talented balloon sculptor. Also enjoy seeing your fines cut in half. That's right, silver card holders will pay only half the fines that everyone else does in thanks for their support!

But where there's silver there's sure to be gold. Gold cards are available to library supporters beginning at $2,000 a year (per person only). With a gold card you will enjoy all the above privileges, but you will also receive the thank you gift of being charged no fines. Yes, you will have no late fees associated with your card under any circumstances. That's not all though! A gold card allows morning access (before noon) to our brand new English Literature Club Lounge. There you will find plush velvet armchairs awaiting you, complimentary espresso beverages served by gloved valets, and all your favorite newspapers laid out for you, ironed by hand. While a gold card won't allow borrowing privileges from the beautifully preserved volumes of the English Literature Club Lounge, that world renowned collection will be there for your personal perusal as you wile away your morning in library luxury.

How, you wonder, can you check out the glorious artworks, technology, pristine bestsellers, and glamorous first editions housed in the English Literature Club Lounge? Support us at the Diamond Card Level, sponsored by Chase Manhattan. The diamond card holder receives everything that the bronze, silver, and gold card holder does, but they also have full day and evening access to our English Literature Club Lounge where a premium bar is available after noon, and your own personal valet/bookrunner will be on hand to assist you every day from two until ten, Tuesday through Saturday. As a diamond card holder you will not just help the library thrive with your extremely generous support, but you will also experience the ultimate in plush, hushed, leather and velvet library luxury. The soundproofed English Literature Club Lounge will be your library away from home and the one of a kind collection will be at your beck and call.

How much is a diamond card membership?

A lot.

No, seriously, a lot.

But if you cannot support us at any of these special card levels, don't worry! The library will always remain available to you, a standard level card holder (free), for at least four days a week at a minimum of five hours a day.

I mean, for awhile, depending on the political climate and our annual budget. 

We hope.

So thank you for anything you can do to help! Contributions of any size are what we need to keep us going. We can do this together!

Our deepest thanks for all your support,

The Library

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