Friday, September 20, 2019

Form letter for form letter


A. Large corporation
B. Government entity
C. Institution of note

Thank you for your

A. Form letter response to my letter
B. Form letter response to my letter that was pretending not to be a form letter but wouldn't fool a child.
C. Form letter response to my letter that had two marginally personalized bits in it written by someone in a foreign country whose first language is not English, not even close.

I'm so glad you found my input valuable even though

A. I accused all your upper management of being criminals
B.  A human being never actually read any of my input
C. I don't think you understood I was joking.

I was so touched by your thoughtful response to my

A. Rambling eleven page letter
B. Caustic e-mail
C. Unstable invective scrawled in crayon

that I have

A. Immediately responded in kind.
B. Written you this genuine, not at all a form letter response.
C. Given up all faith in the world and have issued an auto-response... just like you!

And although when I wrote I was hoping that

A. I would receive a tearful, heartfelt letter from the CEO swearing before God to turn over a new leaf.
B. I would receive some not completely valueless coupons.
C. The very light of my righteousness would make me somehow magically feel better about things.

I do ultimately understand that

A. Capitalism eats everything and the teeth care the least.
B. You're making a dollar an hour in India, or a dollar a day in prison, and having to read my letter doesn't do much to make your day any better.
C. If I had to write you it was too late for your institution/business already.

So in conclusion let me simply say

A. I could be your friend if only you'd let me.
B. Blaise Pascal said "Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when..." 
        1. it's often enough.
        2. it's good business.
        3. it's automated.
C. I'm so glad we had this lovely exchange of ideas.


A. Your friend,
B. One of your victims more or less trapped into doing business with you,
C. Your lifelong, sworn enemy,
D. All of the above,

F. Calypso

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