Tuesday, February 11, 2020

Report from the primaries

There's early voting going on at my library. It's been everyday now for many weeks. So since I am on the front lines I am in the unique position of being in place to provide vital updates to this hard fought Democratic primary contest, and to let you know how it's going.

Since I am in Minnesota it is naturally expected that our own Senator, Amy Klobuchar, is something of a favorite. And while her candidacy hasn't so far exactly caught fire, she has shown a surprising ability to keep herself above the survival line while seemingly more promising candidates have fallen away one after the other.

But if Amy is going to have any chance at all she is going to have to have a killer performance in her home state of Minnesota. And I am here to grimly report that things are not looking good. 

They are not looking good at all.

It's not that she doesn't have support. She has plenty of support. In fact there have been a great many specialized groups who are passionate supporters of this Mondale protege and senior Senator from our state. Often these groups come to our library in a bold display of early voting and to show their fervent support for Senator Klobuchar. Unfortunately the voting for these groups, so far, has not gone well.

First to arrive were The Klowns for Klobuchar. They emerged from a very tiny car en masse. There were a surprising lot of them! As they did hilarious pratfalls on the icy sidewalk in front of our entrance they drew enthusiastic and appreciative crowds. Alas that one of the pratfalls went wrong and one of the "Klobuchar Klowns" hit his head pretty hard on the curb. There was blood. The whole lot of Klowns went off in an ambulance without a single one of them being able to cast a ballot.

Oddly this experience was not so different than another Klobuchar group later that same week. The Klutzes for Klobuchar managed to stumble their way into the library and looked set to put Klobuchar into the lead in the early voting. But when they got to the voting area, cordoned off from the library by a ring of stanchions, they became so entangled in the stanchion belts that the fire department ultimately had to come out and remove them from the library. 

On a positive note they did vow that they would be back.

Finally, yesterday, a big Klobuchar group managed to cast ballots for their candidate. A party of what I would describe as at least 30 Kleptomaniacs for Klobuchar went swiftly through the voting process with no problems. Well, no problems until after they left, at which point no one could find any of their ballots, or any of their pens. Come to think of it a couple of the voting booths went missing around that time as well.

This all doesn't mean that Amy Klobuchar can't still win. My report is certainly anecdotal. There are still plenty of votes to go. And she's pretty popular around here... wait! Something's going on at the library entrance! This could be big! This could save her campaign! Quite a crowd is gathering!

It's The Klydesdales for Klobuchar!!!!!

Uh oh. They can't get in the door. They're too big!

Plus, horses can't vote.

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