Wednesday, January 1, 2014

My super easy New Year's resolutions

The start of a new year is no time to put the pressure on. Life is hard enough! But that doesn't mean we can't take part in all the ennobling optimism of New Year's Resolutions. The trick is to create a rich, dazzlingly long list of super easy to achieve resolutions. I have done this and I urge you to consider adopting my resolutions below for your very own.

1. Stay alive.

This is a perfect example of what I'm aiming for. This is not automatic, and if you use this resolution every year, as I recommend, you will fail to achieve it at some point, eventually. But if you do fail to achieve it you won't know because you'll be dead and so will experience no sense of falling short. So, though you can fail this, you cannot experience the failure of it.

2. Eat food.

This resolution compliments resolution number one since you will need to do this to stay alive. But it is also an adapted, highly simplified version of Michael Pollan's dictum to "Eat food, mostly plants, not too much." My version can certainly be taken to mean that a marshmallow is not actual food and you want to try to eat, say, pecans. Can you manage to eat one pecan this year, how about an apple? A carrot? Any one of those in 365 days and you're two for two on the resolutions. I mean, if you're not hit by a bus while eating them.

3. Read something of extreme quality and merit.

Have you read this blog post up to here? Me too. Then this one is now taken care of!

4. Fail to accomplish at least one of your New Year's Resolutions.

Yes, perfection is unattainable. So we have written it right into our resolutions. "But hey" you ask "With my resolutions being so easy to achieve what if I don't fail to accomplish one of my New Year's Resolutions?" Aha! If that happens you will have failed this resolution and therefore will have not failed this resolution. Hmm, perhaps perfection is attainable after all.

5.  Breathe

Another one taken care of at the get go, but still nice to reflect on and then fulfill whenever you do.

6. Shower

I do this rather a lot, but for some reason feel a compelling need to get more credit for it.

7. Blog

Well, I know I was recommending my resolutions for anyone, but this is an exception. It's too dangerous!

8. 8.  I forget what eight was for.

Yes, I know this will go down on my personal record.

9.  When making lists try to stop at nine.

I can do this.

10. I said try. I tried.


  1. How about if I eat pecan fatted squirrels?
    Mostly squirrels, not too many!?

    1. If you do this, yes, you will have fully accomplished resolution 2! Well done! And I understand your anger at these squirrels, but I was in my co-op this last weekend and the cost of organic pecans was breathtaking! Breathtaking! I could not bring myself to buy them at such a price. Imagine how a squirrel might feel in that situation. Do you have any idea how much pocket change squirrels generally have? They tend to have little to no pocket change! Still, stealing is bad, and if you have to eat them to get your pecans (indirectly) I am not going to try and stop you.

  2. I am covered in shame. It seems that I may never manage to expell the internal furies those precious little creatures invoked when they laid this years immature harvest to waste.


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