Wednesday, February 19, 2014


I have recently passed a compelling numerical threshold in blog readership. I crossed over the line of 50,000 pageviews. That is, 50,000 visits to my blog. Because we are all herded around like cattle on the Internet we are perhaps more accustomed to tales and sites where there have been millions and millions of visitors, but I feel very content with 50,000 views. I think I could find a humble sort of happiness with 50,000 views. I would like to try. Unfortunately, pageviews are not pageviews on the Internet. They are more like a salary. They are like if you made $50,000 dollars a year and thought, gosh, a person could do okay on 50,000 dollars a year, but then started deducting for taxes and transportation and lunch and so on until one felt quite poor, until one found themselves returning home with not $50,000, but rather with 73 dollars and change and a bag of corn. Yes, sadly, this is the woeful tale of my first 50,000 page views. This is my pageview budget.

We start with 50,000 pageviews.  A very lovely and encouraging start.

We deduct an astonishing 33,000 right off the top for completely mysterious, pointlessly nefarious bots like "vampirestats" that for some reason Google is not even slightly fooled by when it comes to ranking the popularity of ones site (and thus making you rise to the top of keyword searches), but is completely fooled by when it comes to telling you how many (entirely pointless) visits you are getting. These are robot visits. No "mind" of any kind is doing any reading here.

We deduct 3,100 for random people who arrive at my site and lose interest by the fourth word of the first sentence. It is my own fault for starting all my posts with "Um, so, anyway,"

We deduct 200 for people who may legitimately visit my site at other times (or they may not), but who accidentally clicked something leading to my site when they didn't mean to and cry out "No! NOOO! Back button, back button!" as they hit the back button as quickly as possible.

We deduct 500 to moderate the number of my own repeat visits to my own blog. I visit my blog a lot because it is my favorite blog, but I feel only some of these visits should legitimately count, say, the ones where I reread the actual page, as opposed to the ones where I just gaze adoringly at it.

We deduct 2,400 for people who arrive at my blog through clickbait, recommendations, chicanery, and idle curiosity, read a whole post, and either plain dislike it or don't like it enough to ever read another post. While this 2,400 would be a legitimate count of readers, I don't want them. I DON'T WANT THEM!

We deduct 200 to discount for people reading my blog furtively, perhaps at work, who close down their viewing window in a panic and have to go back to my site later to finish reading the post.

But, finally, we get to add back in 2,300 for people who get my blog automatically emailed to them. These show up nowhere in any statistics!

And with that we come up with 12,900 pageviews. Well, it's not so bad. No, it's not 50,000, but, in four years it could be, if we keep adding. And I can get there even quicker if really apply myself. I'm sure I could read my blog quite a bit more than I do.


  1. I recall being crushed when I discovered all the un-readers going to my blog. But I did find a way to keep it from counting my own visits. At least, it seems to be working that way.

    1. Oh, do count some of your own visits! Who indeed reads with such great attention but us of ourselves?

      Anyway, since you sort of brought it up, I will indulge myself by going on about all this boring to most people number stuff, safely obscure in my comments. Recently, my already large number of un-readers (ooh, I like that! Un-readers.) went way way up. Taking google analytics to be the accurate count of real visits, I am having a slow day on the blog, with a mere 7 readers. In my blog statistics, which I take to be inaccurate, though it is provided by the same small company called "google", I have 760 visits today. There are 262 specific pageviews for this post alone! I have an array of paranoid theories for why google doesn't bother fixing what has to be basic nonsense information for a vast array of people, but I will spare all three of us reading down here the diatribe. My best solution is to try and use this blogging platform with my eyes closed and ears plugged, muttering "I don't want to know. I don't want to know..." But I'm not so good at that so far. Working on it.


If you were wondering, yes, you should comment. Not only does it remind me that I must write in intelligible English because someone is actually reading what I write, but it is also a pleasure for me since I am interested in anything you have to say.

I respond to pretty much every comment. It's like a free personalized blog post!

One last detail: If you are commenting on a post more than two weeks old I have to go in and approve it. It's sort of a spam protection device. Also, rarely, a comment will go to spam on its own. Give either of those a day or two and your comment will show up on the blog.