Wednesday, June 4, 2014

The seven virtues of the unfit biker

As I progress from wildly out of shape to generally unfit each of my commuting biking trips gets a little faster. Nevertheless I still struggle with The Hill. It's actually a bridge. When you climb to the top you can see the beautiful towers of downtown, or you would be able to see them except the blood you are sweating keeps pouring into your eyes and clouding your vision.

I know, you are likely wondering why I am saying that this is happening to you. It's not. It's happening to me. I am the one climbing the hill in first gear, bleeding sweat, and looking over at the old lady walking on the other side of the street traveling at precisely the same speed as me. And while I am delighted my community features so many fit and able 90-year-olds, I also feel a small blow to my pride.

This is why I have come up with this list:

                         The seven virtues of the unfit biker

1. While cars spew toxic gasses dooming the planet I leave behind only a bloody trail that is nourishing to local flora, particularly the salt tolerant carnivorous plants that the small children so love.

2. I make the plodding joggers all feel lithe and fleet.

3. I will live practically forever and walk around nimbly at age 90.

4. I seem to be able to write about it over and over on my blog.

5. The oxygen starvation induced by over exertion weakens my defenses and allows me to have spiritual visions of large mute birds.

6. When going flat or downhill I am flying! I am flying! Look out walkers I am passing you! Ha ha ha, passing you! That is, any minute now, I mean, I will be passing you. Here I come. Okay. Almost there! Hi. We are kind of even now for awhile. Nice day, huh? Now I am a little ahead, oop, small hill, we're even again, and, ohh, bit of downhill and, yes, I am ahead of you! Ha ha ha ha ha! Passed you walker! Sucker! Slowpoke! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

7. It makes me a better and more gracious person. 

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