Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Note to my eleven readers

A note to my eleven readers:

I have said in the past that my goal for acquiring readership is plus one minus one, that is, I hope to, roughly, gain or lose a reader with every post. Unfortunately I have found that I consistently lose one reader, but my last new reader is from March, 2013 (welcome!). This has created a crisis in readership.

This crisis drove me to study the matter scientifically. So first I exposed three additional readers to my blog and found, cumulatively as regards all readers, I lost one reader. Then I introduced ten readers to my blog and lost one reader. This was followed by tracking down a hundred readers, whereupon I lost one, then, with difficulty, a thousand readers, and again I lost a single reader from where I started. Better mathematicians than I would have felt hopeless at this point. But I am not actually a mathematician at all. I am a writer! So I decided, based on my research, that what I needed to do was show my blog to all seven billion people on planet earth.

How does one contact all seven billion people on earth? I was thinking via the personal letter. But since it could take me months, even years, to write seven billion personal letters I thought it might be better to write one letter and maybe just change up tiny parts of it for everyone. Tomorrow I'll show you my letter. I'm merely warning you now so that you don't panic when you see that it's an incredibly long letter. Don't worry! It's just long because it includes 1,346 different languages. I will put your native language at the top. You won't be missing out if you can't read in any of the other 1,345 languages. They are merely translations.

You are also probably wondering how I will get seven billion stamps, most of them of the more expensive international variety. Easy. I will ask the USPS to give them to me. There is a tiny part of me that is insanely optimistic. Because my cause is just I believe that one day people are going to start giving me stuff, important, supportive, essential, and useful stuff, like billions of dollars worth of stamps.

Hopefully that will include envelopes as well.

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If you were wondering, yes, you should comment. Not only does it remind me that I must write in intelligible English because someone is actually reading what I write, but it is also a pleasure for me since I am interested in anything you have to say.

I respond to pretty much every comment. It's like a free personalized blog post!

One last detail: If you are commenting on a post more than two weeks old I have to go in and approve it. It's sort of a spam protection device. Also, rarely, a comment will go to spam on its own. Give either of those a day or two and your comment will show up on the blog.