Friday, December 11, 2015

Dear Editor, Star Tribune Newspaper

Dear Editor, Star Tribune Newspaper:

I would like to present myself as your new daily columnist. Every morning you go into work and wonder "When will I hear from my new daily columnist?" Well, today is the day! It's me! I am your new columnist.


I know what you're wondering. You're wondering "Where have you been? I have been just sitting here, waiting, while my subscribers have been calving off to the Internet like glaciers in the age of global warming."

Oddly enough I come from the Internet, where dozens of mildly interested readers follow my columns each and every day.

I know, this just gets better and better for the fortunes of The Star Tribune. Together we're going to change the world!

Oh, right. You are the esteemed editor of a metropolitan newspaper. You're not really going to want to be changing the world much at all. Don't worry, it was just a turn of phrase and the result of buoyant high spirits. Close to nothing is going to change in the world. We'll just get older. But we will have to figure out a good place to put all the Pulitzers were going to be raking in together.

So tell me when you want me to start. This is going to be great!

Your devoted new columnist,

F. Calypso

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