Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Dear Inappropriate Publisher

Dear Inappropriate Publisher:

The first rule one learns about approaching prospective publishers is that one must do one's research. Do not approach a travel publisher with a hard science fiction novel. Don't send a romance novel to an austere, tony New York literary outfit. And if one writes natural histories of the fascinating beetle kingdom, one should send that to a publishing house that made its name on fine books about the wild world, not to an imprint working with fake realistic novels about teen life.

This is good advice. I was keen to take it. So I checked out one of those fat guides to the publishing houses, and I looked carefully through it for publishers who work with the kind of material I write. And I looked. And I looked some more. With a sinking heart I realized that no publisher publishes my genre: unpopular short essays of blistering genius.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "That's weird. Surely there must be one publisher who publishes unpopular short essays of blistering genius!"

But no, there isn't. I looked at all the entries. I looked around for it on the Internet and also came up empty handed, though I did come across an interesting essay by Orwell about P.G. Wodehouse.

"That's outrageous!" You cry. "Why, I would occasionally like to read a few unpopular short essays of blistering genius!"

Which is why, even though you strictly publish:

___  Books about dogs
___  Folktales of the world
___  Erotica for cats
___  Movie novelizations
___  Instruction manuals for people incapable of learning from instruction manuals
___  Soccer biographies in Spanish
___  The work of James Patterson
___  Hastily produced knock-offs of bestsellers
___  Glossy cookbooks of recipes featuring a minimum of 200 ingredients each
___  Toileting instruction manuals for toddlers
___  Earnest books
___  Gorgeously written works of University English Professors that win many awards only to be abruptly forgotten
___  The ghostwritten work of people on TV
___  Zombie vampire cowboy books

I am sending you along my work. I think you will enjoy it, and this is the only way you will ever get a chance to read it as it isn't the sort of thing that gets published.

Good luck in all your endeavors,

F. Calypso

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