Thursday, January 14, 2016

Gluten free pretzels

Today I have decided to discuss the gluten free pretzels in the library break room.

Will you being doing this in a "call and response" format?

Why, yes, yes I will.

Why would you, who usually writes such an entertaining blog, write about a bag of gluten free pretzels in your library's break room?

Tough, tough question. But I don't shy away from tough questions around here.

You don't?

Not unless we're discussing gluten free pretzels.

So, fine, what's the deal with these gluten free pretzels?

Ah! I have a ten point list to discuss the mild curiosities of these pretzels.

Wait, don't you usually do blog essays in a "call and response" format or you use a list format, but never do you do both a "call and response" format and a list format?

Yes. It is a very special day here.

I'm ready for your list.

1. These pretzels, in a large, but by no means huge bag, have defied every historical measure of the break room free food table and have been here for six days. It's not that people aren't eating them either. People are eating them, the bag level goes down, but they seem to last forever!

2. Even though I have had no interest up until writing this post, people keep weighing in on their feelings about these pretzels to me, like it's the new Star Wars movie or something.

3. 75 percent of respondents dislike the pretzels and think they have a weird aftertaste. 25 percent think they are unusually good and don't normally like pretzels.

4. I have no interest in trying these pretzels, but it is unclear at this point whether I will have to for the sake of art.

5. The pretzels' slogan is "We are what you eat", and that phrase is trademarked.

6. The pretzels are made with palm oil which, in its environmentally degrading production guise, kills Sumatran tigers. The package could also say "Tiger killing pretzels" which they could also trademark because one can apparently trademark pretty much anything. We are what you trademark.TM

7. The package says there are 13 pretzel servings inside, but so far there have been 218 servings inside, making these the Hanukkah miracle of tiger killing pretzels.

8. I don't really have a ten point list of peculiarities about these pretzels, only eight, of which I suspect only two were truly peculiar.

Which two?

Items one and two, with seven being a repeat of one, and three being an addendum to two.

Have you tasted these pretzels?

No, but they are sitting right here if you want one, and you like to keep gluten free, and you hate tigers.

So, seriously, what was the point of all this about these pretzels?

Sometimes I just start with something and see where it goes and magic happens!

Has magic happened?

Not that I am aware of at this point.


  1. I am coming over in the very near future for a pretzel (yes, I know where you are.................) so there better be one left for me to try.

    1. Er, local attention to this blog post may have created a bit of a run on the pretzels. I'm just saying you might not want to make a special trip.

      Besides, don't you like tigers?


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