I find Christianity to be strikingly straightforward on paper, so it's surprising that it's so tangled and bizarre when in action. As a helpful, non partisan outsider, I have put together this useful checklist:
For Christians who die and find themselves in Hell.
1. Did you believeth?
Okay, good, just checking.
2. Did you confess and ask forgiveness and repent and all that?
Right, right, excellent.
3. Did you generally at least vaguely try to be a sort of good person doing unto others and so on?
Okay, nice job, easy ones out of the way now.
4. Were you rich?
No, no, it's okay you weren't, eye of the needle and everything.
5. Were you a considerate library user, not fussing too much about paying your fines and not pulling tons of books off the shelves and leaving them scattered in the stacks?
Glad to hear it, thank you. No, this was not Scriptural, just a private theory.
6. Did you attend church or something churchlike at least occasionally?
Okay, fine, right, sure, so that's not it.
7. Did you vote Republican?