Monday, February 22, 2016

Customer appreciation week irregularities

Welcome to day three of our very special Customer Appreciation Week here at clerkmanifesto!

Before we get down to today's business, and to our special "Day Three" gifts, I just want to assert once again how much you, as a consumer of clerkmanifesto, mean to us, the industrial producers of clerkmanifesto. This appreciation goes beyond the mere mercantile fact of the money we make here from your business. Unlike other large companies you have dealt with, our appreciation extends into a feeling of personal warmth. And because of this we have created a Customer Appreciation Week that ventures out far beyond the realm of the usual marketing. In our attempt to express how much you mean to us we have created a week of lavish gifts for you, ones that express our feelings of gratitude regardless of economic considerations. As you open our gifts to you here on our blog, you may be compelled to ask yourself "How can they afford this?"

We can't, and we don't care. We just want you to feel appreciated!

Nevertheless, on a dramatic undertaking such as this there are bound to be a few glitches. Our first order of business today is to take care of some of the, really, quite small problems, considering, that have popped up in the distribution of our gifts so far.

On day one of Customer Appreciation Week we, as you know, provided a lavish credit that turned out, due to no fault of our own, to not have any value. That is why on day two we went big, very big. We sent you a sumptuous gift that you would remember for years to come. We sent you a kitten!

I know! It was amazing. We hope you are enjoying your darling new kitten. Who wouldn't love getting a new kitten?!

Unfortunately we experienced some irregularities with our kitten distributing courier, DSIB, with our kitten provider, Daisy Hill Kitty Kollective, and with the nature of the gift itself. You were likely completely unaffected by any of these irregularities and are probably now deliriously happy, deeply bonding with your little cat that we named, just for you, "Clerkmanifesto".

But to resolve any possible problems we simply ask that you fill out the brief form below: 

Please circle one of the following. Our response to each issue is listed under each selection.

1. Everything is perfect. I love my new kitty.

I know that the vast majority of you will be circling this one, so we figured we'd better put it at the top. We here at clerkmanifesto are so pleased at your happiness and hope that you will enjoy many happy years with your new cat.

2. My cat came missing parts!

First of all let me say we are sorry. If you want we will certainly send you a new kitten with all its parts, no questions asked. But I would like to note that most cats can handle themselves perfectly well without an ear or a tail, and many people feel that three-legged cats can be especially charming. However, if, for some reason, you have something against the disabled, we will not argue with you. Simply dispose of your tiny, helpless kitten, and we will immediately send out a new one.

3. The complimentary cans of tuna that came with my cat tasted funny.

Those cans of food were supposed to be for your new kitten. That is why there were pictures of cats all over the cans. Because you may never have had a cat before please be advised that cats need food and water to thrive, just like people! Contact your local pet or grocery store for more details and instructions.

4. Help! My kitten has not arrived!

Unfortunately a very few of the DSIB couriers sent to deliver kittens instead fell in love with their wee little kitties and disappeared with them over state lines. DSIB is working on this problem and we will immediately send out a new kitten to you which should arrive by this evening. As an apology for the delay we will be including, at no extra charge, a little pet gerbil as well. If you only want one pet simply give the gerbil to the kitten.

5. I don't want a kitten!

We're sorry you were unhappy with your gift. Find a burlap sack and a pond, or maybe a local furrier, you monster!

Once again we apologize for any inconvenience you may have experienced, and we hope with these small problems ironed out you can now enjoy your new clerkmanifesto thank you gift kitten for years to come.

Thank you again, from the bottom of our hearts, for your patronage of clerkmanifesto!

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