Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Olympic withdrawl, Zika Virus







PRESS RELEASE:



American Olympic hopeful Feldenstein Calypso today added his name to the list of athletes not competing in the Rio Olympic Games due to concerns over the Zika Virus.


PERSONAL STATEMENT FOLLOWS:



Though I know it may be a disappointment to many, I must regretfully announce that, due to concerns over the Zika Virus, I will not be competing in this year's Summer Olympics in Brazil.

As excited as I am at the prospect of being crowned "Fastest Man Alive", the risk to my family, friends, community, and nation must outweigh my pursuit of personal glory. I am as committed as ever to my ambitions for international glory and torrents of unreasoning adulation, but not regardless of any cost, nor in a way that could cause harm to others.

Would I have won the Olympic Gold Medal in the 100 Meter Dash? No one could ever say. I have never actually run a 100 Meter Dash so there is no telling how fast I might be. While most athletes who are crowned "Fastest Man Alive" are not yet in their fifties and don't get slightly breathless after a brisk walk, very few of them have my unique attributes either. I am frequently described as "quick" and am uniquely well suited to focusing on tasks that take less than ten seconds. It has also been suggested that I have lost a few pounds recently, which could have only aided me in my pursuit of an Olympic title.

I wish the other sprinters much success in the Olympics and in no way mean to suggest that, without having faced me to reach his goal, the ultimate winner of the Gold Medal in the 100 Meter Dash is not, or will not be, "The Fastest Man Alive" . Though we can never truly know who would have won that thrilling Olympic match up between us, his victory will nevertheless be hard fought and fairly won just as it is, and I freely salute him. I also extend condolences to him, his family, his friends, his community, and his country for the terrible ravages of disease he will be spreading through them as a result of his triumphant pursuit.


To my own disappointed fans I say that knowing that I might truly be the fastest person alive is enough for me, so long as all of you continue to be safe, well, and happy.









11 comments:

  1. Well, I won't say I'm not disappointed, and that as a lifelong fan I had hoped dearly to watch you in the 100 meters, and that I already had tickets and a hotel for the event, and I had also bought a 194 inch flat screen blue tooth blue whale blue ray sensor driven digital talking TV set just in case I couldn't fly to Brazil, but I completely understand.

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    1. It kills me to disappoint you, but I take heart that you will not become ill because of my pursuit of glory. Hopefully you can use that 194 inch screen maybe laid down and used as a table or something.

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  2. You are so brave. Indeed, heroic even! I think i must be swooning!

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  3. You are so brave. Indeed, heroic even! I think i must be swooning!

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  4. Hey, look how synchronous, you just said the exact same thing i did!

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    1. I know, right? Dat's way kewl, boo! How's ya'mom n' em?

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    2. Oh, she good, dahlin'. Look, i gotta go make some groceries. Later awn. <3

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  5. Through well over a thousand blog posts I have been eagerly awaiting the almost too much to hope for moment where people would carry on discussions in the comment section amongst tone another. Finally, finally it is here! Albeit it looks sort of like the discussion may be between one person and themselves.

    But, like, beggars can't be choosers.

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  6. I thought it was very rude of them to loiter around on your blog babbling about personal stuff.

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  7. I thought it was very rude of them to loiter around on your blog babbling about personal stuff.

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    1. I take what I can get. Like, you could take the issue up with them, for instance. Either way I find your contributions immensely heartening.

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If you were wondering, yes, you should comment. Not only does it remind me that I must write in intelligible English because someone is actually reading what I write, but it is also a pleasure for me since I am interested in anything you have to say.

I respond to pretty much every comment. It's like a free personalized blog post!

One last detail: If you are commenting on a post more than two weeks old I have to go in and approve it. It's sort of a spam protection device. Also, rarely, a comment will go to spam on its own. Give either of those a day or two and your comment will show up on the blog.