Dictionary updates

Today I was reflecting upon how in the many decades that I have followed politics many of the definitions of key words have incrementally changed to the point where I, or many other people, might have old, 1970s ideas of what they mean, but their real meaning has slowly become completely different. And so in the fine tradition of the The Devil's Dictionary I would like to take a stab at updating some of our common political terms so that you will know what they mean when you see them.

I hope this is of some help. These are perilous linguistic times.




Republican: 

A condition of wanting to punch something, even one's own face if necessary.


Independent:  

A Republican or Democrat prone to occasional fits of a desire to escape, but who does not think of using a shovel and just claws ineffectually at the dirt.


Liberal: 

Willing to take a step to the right under the theory this will create future opportunities to take a step to the left.


Centrist: 

An interest in equilibrium even if it means running towards fascists with your fulcrum.

 
Democrat:

Now with even more wiggle room!



Libertarian: 

An Anarchist who is afraid of everything except rich people.



 Progressive: 

The single element in all American politics that everyone else admires and yet finds a way to work together to stop.