Thursday, June 1, 2017
Star Tribune daily columnist
Star Tribune Newspaper:
Yes already, yes! Fine. I can't take it anymore; your hounding, your constant pursuit, your desperate beseeching, I relent. I give in. I will write a daily column for your newspaper.
I had higher ambitions, you know, more exalted schemes. I have been much in contact with The New Yorker, I must note, and the Nobel Prize committee and myself have been in frequent communication. I have thought of myself as more a "Treasure of the Nation" kind of writer, a Mark Twain sort of figure whose any wee essay would cause any magazine, newspaper, or website in the land to drop all their plans in excitement and immediately plaster me all over their front cover in a burst of greed and pride.
But the squeaky wheel gets the grease and boy have you squeaked, Star Tribune. My ears are bleeding! I think you might have pierced something. And while the New York Times Magazine and Rolling Stone and the MacArthur Genius Grant people all dillied about in their slow embracing of me, dragging their feet and wasting my best years, there you were, begging me to write whatever I pleased for my own hometown paper. You flattered me. You cajoled me. You appealed to my civic pride. You bribed me, begged me, and wouldn't leave me alone. You sent generous conditions and fell to your knees in supplication on my doorstep in a mortifyingly embarrassing way. I spurned you over and over, but your entreaties never stopped.
I closed up my ears. I pursued my other ambitions. But you never moved on. "Yes, save the world." You cried. "But save the twin cities first. Save us! We, who have ever believed in you, who never doubted you, who never ceased to be your ardent admirers."
So, fine. I give in. I will write for you. After 999 "No's" I answer "Yes". I am your new columnist, the daily columnist for The Star Tribune.
I have enclosed my first 100 pieces for publication. If you feel you must change a word or two, go to it, but tread lightly. You can send my checks to the above address. I look forward to our partnership.
You weren't pursuing me as a columnist? You were merely hoping I might take home delivery of your paper at your introductory rate?
Ha ha ha. Very amusing. But why don't you let me handle the "humorist" duties here. After all, that's what you've hired me for.
Looking forward to a long working friendship,
F. Calypso, Daily Columnist for The Star Tribune Newspaper