Saturday, November 25, 2017


After the feast of Thanksgiving, and then a day to wallow through the leftovers, one invariably comes to Saturday. That's today! And after that little holiday break you had from the Internet you open up a a nice search engine, you know, like Alta Vista, to type in your inevitable search:

"What do I do with all my turkey leftovers?"

And you see the number one hit: Turkenstein, from clerkmanifesto.

That's where you are right now!

I'm here to help. This is not your everyday turkey leftover recipe. This is a turkey recipe that acknowledges the truth of your situation: there is nothing that can make turkey palatable to you right now. No, this is a recipe that answers a higher calling. That's why it is so popular on many of America's most heavily used web search engines, like Alta Vista, which is my personal favorite.



Leftover caracass
Leftover meats
Gluey stuffing
Needle and thread
Run over squirrel (head in tact)
Lightning rod or light socket

Molding your Turkenstein:

Fill a metal pan with a half inch of water. Place the remains of your turkey carcass in it.

Place your run over squirrel into the rib cage of the turkey with his in tact head in the place of a turkey's head.

Using meat and gluey stuffing simulate the shape of your bird as well as you can.

Bind and shape further with lots of gauze.

Sew it together in any places that seem to be leaking or falling apart.

Wrap freely in wire making sure wire connects at some point with squirrel brain.

Connect wire on long line to lightning rod in lightning storm. If there is no storm coming you can try to wire directly to a socket.


This is dangerous, so you should perhaps call over your hunchbacked assistant Igor. You do this by calling out 

"Igor! We must make this turkey live again. The secrets of death mock us!"

Igor will reply "Yes Master." And then he will attend to the electrical hook-ups.

Cry out "Igor! NOW!"

Igor will flood your creation with electricity.

Nothing will happen.

Cry out "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sobbing and pounding your fists into the turkenstein monstrosity.

Igor will say "Master, it moves!"

You will not hear him in your grief.

"Master it moves."

Look at your creation, Turkenstein. It looks back at you. "Gobble." It says.

Look at Igor, who will give you an encouraging look. Look back at Turkenstein.

"Gobble." It says.

Cry out "IT LIVES! My creation lives!" Laughing madly hug Igor.

"You are a genius." Igor will say.

Celebrate for hours.

Open the door and set Turkenstein free.

"Farewell Turkenstein." You and Igor will say, waving as Turkenstein wanders off into your neighborhood to frolic and mingle with the villagers.

"Gobble." Turkenstein will say as he waddles away.

"Good work." You will say to Igor.

"Thank you Master." Igor will reply.

Shed a little tear with Igor over the loss of Turkenstein and begin the long, eleven month wait for the glorious holiday where you will all be reunited.

Let me know how your recipe goes in the comments below!


  1. I'm now on my third Turkenstein attempt. So far no luck with the whole reanimation schtick. (:*(
    The problem seems to be that my daughter insists on being Igor even though she has never ever done my bidding. Also, Gracie is just too beautiful to be Igor, and she keeps eating the Turkey scraps off of the cadaver. Thoughts?

    1. Try shouting "MOOORRE!" a lot when adding electricity, and cackle deleriously, and every time you address Gracie rub your hands together in feverish joy.

      I think that will do it.

  2. I'm doing that!! Now she's not speaking to me and the neighbors are all outside with torches and pitchforks and I'm feeling like I've failed as a mother on sooo many levels.

    1. Right, yes, this all happens pretty consistently with this recipe. I'm sorry it caught you off guard. Do you, er, think I should mention this part in the recipe?

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