We here in Heaven have noticed a lot of you taking the lord's name in vain lately, and instead of going around smiting and sending people to hell like we usually do in response to this, we decided to take a look at the problem. That is why we have commissioned this survey:
Please answer as honestly as you can. One lucky respondant will be randomly chosen for Beatification.
1. I feel that God is
A. Doing a great job and it's clearly everyone elses' fault.
B. Beyond the scope of my judgement, but I'm concerned he's getting a little portly.
C. Really wanting to do the right thing, deep down.
D. Probably going to come back from this super long vacation deeply refreshed!
2. My favorite thing God does is
A. Is there, like, a list of things he does, or one you could mention, maybe?
B. Answer my prayers real sneaky like so it looks like they're not being answered at all.
C. Maketh sporting figures to winnith sports games.
D. Embarass the Atheists with all his awesome existing!
3. If there is one thing I'd like God to do better it would be
A. I don't think virtue should be its own reward. I think it should also get coupons.
B. Road conditions in spring in the upper midwest.
C. Well, I don't know if this is doing "better", but could God maybe retroactively delay the Beatles break-up to 1970 or so?
D. More appearances on "Chat" shows.
4. I would become more religious if
A. Other people weren't involved.
B. Someone else did it first.
C. I weren't 24/7 maxed out on religious all the time already. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!
D. I weren't so goddamned busy with your stupid surveys! Don't call here again! Do you understand? Take me off your call list! I am unfriending you and blocking you and reporting you.
5. I am
A. A Christian naturally.
B. A really embarassed (former) Atheist.
C. Getting kind of thirsty.
D. Wondering about your interesting font.
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer. Tune in here soon when we report the Lord God's 2018 approval ratings.