The partrons come into my library like they do at the start of every new year, and they want to know if we've got the federal tax forms yet.
"We will have the federal tax forms the day we have finished building a twenty foot high wall across all 2,000 miles of our southern border with Mexico and not a moment sooner!" I say, pounding the desk for emphasis.
Ah, but you did not peg me for wall supporter.
Well, I'm no ersatz, fake wall supporter, not like that Little Lord Fauntleroy in The White House, or his coterie of brainwashed admirers.
I am a real wall supporter. I am for a wall like you wouldn't believe!
But I am also against a single dollar going towards a wall unless we are serious about it. I will not stand for a bullshit wall. I want a great wall, beautiful, festooned with colorful lights, ramparts, towers, spikes, windmills, marble sculptures. I want it tiled and gilded, with murals and low relief. Arches, stone, steel, cheerful flags, and not a single door. And I want it to have drinking fountains and food trucks. And most of all I want it too tall to get over, too deep to get under, and too strong to get through.
Oh, and this part is really important so pay attention: did it ever occur to any of the simpletons in full charge of this country and its so called free press that any wall that is not enclosed simply lets anyone who wants to just go around it?
"Hey, I put a wall up in my yard but my dog still keeps getting out!"
Well maybe that's because your wall just RUNS ALONG THE FRONT OF YOUR PROPERTY!
There have to be walls all along the Pacific, all along the Atlantic, The Gulf, and all along Canada, or what the hell is the point?! Jesus.
Do I have to spell everything out for America?
I guess so: The ends of your wall have to meet up!
So let's say it's 11,000 miles of wall, to circle the whole fucking country.
Ten billion dollars is not going to be able to build a thousandth of that wall. Screw this President's amateur extortion attempt. We are going to need ten TRILLION dollars to build this wall.
But it's worth it.
And I have a plan.
No, not taxes.
No, Mexico is has never even seen a trillion dollars and Canada is too prudent even if they had it stuffed under a mattress somewhere.
Only the U.S. military, in all the world, runs budgets full of trillions of dollars.
But, aha, now it's dawning on you...
We don't need a military anymore. We will have a wall! The wall will protect us! Let 'em try and get us.
"They'll pick the locks on the doors."
Ha, no doors!
"They'll fling stuff over the wall!"
Ha, we build it higher! And higher! And higher!
Maybe we even put a roof on it.
No one gets in, no one gets out. Finally we can all be alone together.
I'm sure we'll all get along just fine.