Saturday, May 25, 2019
How to win the Presidency
I am terrible at marketing. I could not convince you to vote for me to be the President of Nothing, even if I would be an inspired choice. I have no political experience. And I am wildly unqualified to be the tiniest of Political Operatives for the most insignificant possible campaign in the country.
Nevertheless I could win a Democratic candidate the Presidency of the United States so fast it would make your head spin, which, if you're a Republican, would be humorously appropriate, you know, what with your possession by Satan and everything.
Anyway, here's how:
The whole campaign, every policy point and issue should come down to a massive tax cut. The candidate is to say "The new tax and spend Republicans hate this, but I'm going to give every adult in America $5,000 in tax relief. This will stimulate the economy like nothing we've seen in decades, and return to the American people the money they've earned with their hard work."
To the inevitable question of how to pay for it, the candidate should say "Pork. Pork pork pork. Pork and waste and pointless stimulus money to giant corporations that won't need it anymore because people buying their products will be all the stimulus they need."
Stick to that. Don't get distracted. Say that Republicans are stealing Americans' money to give it to their super rich donors. Don't ever stop.
And when the Democrats have won it all with their specious promises, what then?
I dunno, go ahead with it?
It might work out and we could always use a little extra money around my house.