The end of the world as reported in the newspaper: Day three

Here is my fever dream of the end of the world as it is reported in the newspaper. It doesn't matter much from which newspaper... In day one President Trump lashed out at New Zealand, feeling that the lack of cheese on his cheeseburger was attributable to them. The contretemps grew more heated on day two and warships were mysteriously sent to the Tasmanian Sea. 

Day three:

Headline:

Trump threatens retaliation against New Zealand.
Missiles Strike Sydney, Australia

Content:

Mysteriously in conjunction with what President Trump called "A warning shot" missiles struck the outskirts of Sydney. The President later backtracked and said that "New Zealand is on warning for their awful behavior, though we had nothing to do with, nada, nothing to do with any missiles." When it was pointed out to the President that Sydney is not part of New Zealand he said that it only shows that the U.S. could never have sent missiles there and the whole thing is ridiculous, and that "the New Zealand Mayor (sic) is a terrible, terrible man".

Below the fold story number one:

United Nations called into special session to deal with crisis now widely known as "Cheeseburgergate". Congress also looking into mysterious missile salvo that killed as many as 70 people in Sydney, Australia.

Below the fold story number two:

New Zealand Prime Minister's War of Words. 
The New Zealand Prime Minister accuses U.S. of bombing Australia. Trump calls her "a vicious liar who hates America and will say anything, anything folks, to get out of his (sic) cheesy lies".

Third page analysis:

It's time for Trump to back down in his war of words with the New Zealand Prime Minister. If it makes him look soft, as Fox News is starting to say, it is the price he will have to pay. Trade troubles with China have already imbalanced the U.S. economy too much for Trump to take the chance to bring the New Zealand cheese market to his point of view.