Tuesday, September 3, 2019

The end of the world as reported in the newspaper: Day four

Here is my fever dream of the end of the world as it is reported in the newspaper. It doesn't matter much from which newspaper... In day one President Trump lashed out at New Zealand, feeling that the lack of cheese on his cheeseburger was attributable to them. The contretemps grew more heated on day two and warships were mysteriously sent to the Tasmanian Sea. In day three missiles rained down on Sidney Australia seemingly as a warning, but were later said to have nothing to do with "Cheeseburgergate".

Day four:


"Cheeseburgergate" War of Words Escalates and Tensions Mount

American Casualties in Australian Riots


Australian and New Zealand leaders demand justice, claiming that Trump and the U.S. bombed Australia to provoke New Zealand. Germany says U.S. should apologize at this point and everyone should calm down. United Kingdom's PM Boris Johnson stands firm with U.S. "as our deepest friend" and claims, without evidence, that the U.S. has no responsibility for the tragedy in Sydney.

Below the fold story number one:

Trump seems to apologize at first, saying that he's "Never had anything against Australia or New Zealand" and is "On good terms with the New Zealand Prime Minister". Later though he says he "thought the Prime Minister cheese guy was a guy!" and then commented "So that could be trouble." But then he added "I'm just kidding folks. Just kidding".

Below the fold story number two:

Riots broke out at the U.S. Embassy in Canberra, Australia as first funeral services held for victims of Missile attack widely believed by Australians to have been launched from U.S. warships. Two American Embassy personnel were injured in a rock throwing incident. Trump vows revenge and blames "The Cheese Lord of New Zealand" for lying and getting people dangerously worked up.

Third page analysis:

As tensions rise in the Tasmanian Sea and brave U.S. Embassy Personnel fall victim to Australian mobs, perhaps it is time to set aside the petty infighting over Trump and his unorthodox methods and stand behind him and America in this moment of crisis and tragedy.

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