Wednesday, January 29, 2020

Your guide to the Coronavirus

Thank you for coming here to get answers to all your many important questions about the Coronavirus. We are monitoring the situation closely and updating our information here on a round the clock basis.

Q.  Why should I come here for vital health information on Coronavirus? Wouldn't I be better off on the government's CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention) website where they even have their own trademarked motto:

CDC 24/7: Saving Lives, Protecting People

A.  Yes, you should absolutely go to the CDC, if you're a Commie! But if you believe in our great, free market system, like an American, stay here! We have a motto too:

I'm a glass half full kind of guy even if it's actually empty.

Q.  So, my question is, do I have Coronavirus?

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Q.   So, do I have the Coronavirus? My throat kind of itches.

A.   Ha ha ha ha. No, of course you don't have the Coronavirus! But I have to go wash my hands. And maybe burn down my website. But you'll probably be fine. Don't contact me again in any way for at least a year unless you're at a distance of a minimum of 100 miles. Drink plenty of fluids. Take care of yourself. We love you. Goodbye. 

Q.   What can I do to prevent getting Coronavirus?

A.   Well, the CDC recomm, er, I mean, my research shows that you should wash your hands a lot in warm, soapy water, then put gloves on, then another pair of gloves. Then wrap large, terrycloth bath towels around your gloved hands. Then make your way alone to a desert island, in the middle of the Atlantic, not the Pacific. Oh no, not the Pacific at all.

Q.   Is it Coronavirus, or THE Coronavirus?

A.   We're sort of waiting to see. Currently it's a novel Coronavirus, 2019-nCoV.

Q.   Should we panic?

A.   No. No, no, no. Ha ha. Just remain clam. Ha ha. The CDC has not even declared it an International Health Concern. Not yet at least, although I'm pretty sure they're going to on Thursday. But just remain calm. Remain calm and stop touching stuff. Everything is just fine.  Just don't touch it. Just leave your face alone, okay, and wash your hands. And stop coughing. Please stop coughing. Oh god, the coughing! Why? Whyyyyyy?????  We're all too young to die!!!


  1. I heard a doc being interviewed who said that maybe all this quarantine-ing might backfire; that while potentially exposed people shouldn't be bouncing around the globe, putting everyone together in a kind of petri dish city could make for more rapid spread. But that was on the radio. I have a special hat. I can tell your readers more about it, for a mere $9.99, with free shipping.

    1. I'll buy it!!!!! My $9.99 is enclosed!

      Thank god you're still alive. It must be the hat! I heard all of California was wiped out!


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