Sunday, March 8, 2020

More coronavirus tips


I'm just cautiously interested, prudently informed, quietly in thrall, and vigorously hypochondriacal. And as such, I have learned a few useful things. And I want to inform you so you don't get sick and spread disease and kill everyone. 

Almost no one wants to kill everyone. 

After all, there are several very nice people out there. 

Why, just look at you!

When I started writing this all my tips were going to be hilarious joke tips, but then I realized: I am on the Internet. One joke tip taken seriously could kill a million people! Or, on the other hand, it could make a couple of people get a light fever maybe instead. I don't want to be responsible for either of those things even if there are notable points of difference between them. So I decided to tighten up the ship here and provide five calm, sensible, genuine tips for you in dealing with the coronavirus.

1. Don't Panic! I mean, unless you work at a library or something, or a school, or in an office, or if you are over 70, have pre-existing health conditions, have no health insurance, don't trust your government, or, you know what, just don't panic, okay?

2. Wash your hands. Wash your hands in hot soapy water for 20 seconds. Get the nails too. If you've read one thing about what to do about coronavirus it's "Wash your hands." Wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your hands. Ugh! Why do you keep having to hear this? Why do you keep having to read this!

Because you need to wash your hands!

Go, now! Don't worry about finishing with the rest of my tips. Everything else I'm going to say will pale in comparison. Just wash your hands.

3. Don't touch your face. This is hard for me. I touch my face 145 times every ten seconds. What can I say, it itches. And there's a crumb on it. And I have something in my teeth. And an eyelash is falling in my eye. And it itches. And I have to rest my chin on my hand. And I have a tear falling on my cheek because I am so sad that I'm not allowed to touch my face. 

But if I go wash my hands, in warm soapy water, and sing all I can of "Stayin' Alive" while I do it, you know what I can do after?

I can touch my face!

But then I should wash my hands again. 

And not touch my face.

4. Forget about masks. Masks are kind of... questionable. Okay, if you're sick and you have to go out in public, which you really shouldn't unless it's to the Doctor or Hospital or something, then, if you happen to have a mask, it might help other people. And magically used, very correctly by everyone, if we had anywhere near enough, they might even be great, mainly in the sense of helping stop the spread of the virus out from people. But you should still mostly forget about them because those provisos are not in the cards. They are not looking likely to help you not get sick. Maybe put all that mask energy into hand washing and not touching your face?

Actually, this is the most contentious issue in the field of lay coronavirus advice. Can we just pretend I never mentioned it?

5. Stay home. Maybe just stay home a little more for awhile? And if you feel a little sick, maybe stay home a lot. And for longer than you think? Did you know 80 percent of people who get coronavirus don't really get very sick? That's good news, don't you think? You might just get a very little fever, and feel a little tired and that's it. 

"That's it?" You ask.

That's it.

"How can I show my appreciation for how simple this all turned out for me and for how lucky I feel?"

Stay home.

Home is nice. You'll like it there. You can read through all my 2,642 blogposts. They are full of useful information just like this! Well, sometimes it's useful... I mean... not usually this useful, more useful in an oblique way.

Stay strong out there my pandemic pals! 

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