Tuesday, July 7, 2020
The perfect candidate
It is not in the nature of this blog to use its capital to endorse political candidates. But in this divisive environment, with opinions growing more extreme on both sides every day, we have begun to feel a sense of urgency. And when a candidate stepped forward who was positioned atwixt these terrible, embattled ideologies I knew that my moral responsibility was to act and support this candidate with every resource I had.
Naturally neither of the radicalized sides of our political spectrum is happy with this candidate. One side, with the typical hyperbole of the day, says this candidate might kill millions of people. The other side, perhaps threatened by the competition, claims this candidate is wildly overhyped and will be gone and meaningless in a short time. One side argues this candidate is dangerous and must be carefully and thoroughly eliminated using every resource we have. The other side wants nothing to do with this candidate and feels it should be ignored. But this candidate, who occupies the middle ground between the two, deserves our support. If both of these extremist, irreconcilable sides are unhappy with this centrist candidate, maybe my candidate is doing something right?
One side says my candidate is an agent of a foreign power. The other side suggests it is a result of our own folly and irresponsibility. Both sides look to scold.
But my candidate stands free. My candidate refuses to be drawn into their petty debates. My candidate charts a course unfettered from political influence. My candidate is beholden neither to the Washington establishment, the U.N., nor the teachers' unions. My candidate is not racist nor sexist and has no agenda that it is not perfectly clear about. And yet my candidate does not support Black Lives Matter, or All Lives Matter, or Blue Lives Matter. My candidate is above the fray, unimpeachable, and completely consistent.
In this time of strife and sorrow, in this time of division and dissent, only my candidate is strong enough to bring us together, neutral enough to bridge our divides, and honorable enough to stand firm against those who would sway it to their own extreme agendas.
It is time to vote for the only candidate that takes neither side. It is time to support the candidate who eschews the partisan toxicity that has infected this country. And that is why I have taken the unprecedented step of throwing my support behind this perfect, neutral, ideal candidate for our time.
And all of this is why I urge you, I implore you:
Vote for Covid-19 for President this Fall!
Covid-19 is the right candidate for the right time.
Covid-19 bridges the extremes.
Covid-19: Because our future is at stake.
Covid-19 for President, surely we can't get any sicker.
Posted by Feldenstein Calypso at 6:30 AM
Labels: coronavirus, politics, satire, tombs
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