Je parle francais

 

Je parle francais.

Tu parles francais?

Don't worry, there are things on your phone or computer that can translate that for you.

I speak French!

But no one understands me when I do.

I understand French!

But not when other people speak it.

This creates some tricky situations. One of my favorites is the "everyone knows the easy part" conundrum. Like I'm talking with a French person who speaks as much English as I speak French. Maybe we're not understanding each other. I can say some part okay in French, but not enough to communicate the whole thing. They say a bunch of French, and then, seemingly triumphantly, they say the same thing I said in French, with great empahsis, in English.

Here. How about this to explain. Say the emergency room person is directing us to walk to another hospital. They'll say: 

"Vous devez aller bien au-dela de l'endroit ou la rue est defoncee, ignorer le mendiant agressif, puis tourner a droite."

I don't know about you, but I can understand way, way better reading French than hearing French, but either way this has too many odd words and I'd be lost even then. Spoken? I can only clearly understand the end of that where the person says "Then you go right" (puis tourner a droite). And so it is uniquely disappointing when the French person, as if they're super helpful, adds to their long incomprehensible string of French, a bit of slow English, "You... go... right... there."

Yes, that was the part I got.

But okay, they speak a bit of English. Maybe we can muddle through. So I ask, reaching deep "Ou je dois aller a droite?" Which means 'where do I go right?' except I think the syntax might be bad on that. And the person, now frustrated that after all their copious English I still don't understand, says in an irritated tone ""Vous devez aller bien au-dela de l'endroit ou la rue est defoncee, ignorer le mendiant agressif, then   you    go     right!" 

So we head off.

"Merci, au revoir. Bonne journee." We say.

"Goodbye." They respond. "Have a nice day!"