Monday, December 29, 2014

New Year's resolutions 2015!

Having had a rough end to 2014, with a wretched back injury and, even more recently, an unreasonably fierce cold (or flu!), I am eager to turn the page of the year and look forward to starting the new one in a productive and virtuous and righteous manner. I feel this is the year I can really bring it all together. I am full of ambition, positivity, and hope! To that end I have put together a long list of New Year's Resolutions that, though challenging to fulfill, will make me healthy, well-adjusted, successful, enlightened, rich, humble, taller, and will give me better shoes.

You might want to jot down these resolutions too, and take part in this quest for self improvement on your own. But only if you want to become, like, a living god.

A: Food

1. Take the time each day to prepare three beautiful meals, using purely sourced, whole, organic foods, and prepared in a manner commensurate with the greatest restaurants in the world. No detail of time, food preparation, or exquisiteness of ingredients shall be stinted. Set aside two extra kitchen hours per day for the making of bespoke pantry items ala one's own vinegars and cured meats (note to self: check out Thomas Keller's French Laundry Cookbook!).

2. Drink! At minimum daily: two six-ounce glasses organic fresh pomegranate juice,  one eight-ounce carrot-beet-orange juice, three glasses of red wine, making a careful study of flavor, body, and varietals as part of pursuit of full mastery of wine knowledge, two pristinely perfect espressos from beans I grow, roast and grind myself, and 16 twelve-ounce glasses of water because I saw a book at the library that said all health problems can be solved by drinking more water.

3. Stop exhibiting signs of horror at what my co-workers eat. While I am dining like a 3 star French chef and living forever I must understand the food allergies, fears and obsessions of others, and be sympathetic when I see them killing themselves with food that is entirely derived from the corn plant. It is a hard world out there, and I must not be smug or I may cut myself while shucking Moonstone Oysters.

B: Blogging

1. Pour my soul into every blog post as opposed to just 25%. Spend five hours every night writing. Become master writer, and have prose be more like Toni Morrison, less like Helen Fielding.

2. Write more for myself, rather than to appeal to others. Yet also increase my readership, ideally by creating widespread Internet virus that causes all computers to continually default to as their home page.

C: Work

1. Become perfect at my job  so that at end of next year I am showered with small gift cards from appreciative patrons. Act real humble around my co-workers, sharing my gift cards generously with them because "I have so many I don't even know what to do with them all!"

2. Be less catty about my co-workers, I mean, unless they really deserve it a lot.

D: Spirituality

1. Go to remote, quiet, beautiful place everyday for two hours. Sit there in peaceful contentment while enlightenment seeps into me like the fungal threads in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

E: Exercise

1. Do daily, full Triathlon, but don't neglect an obsessive weight regime and daily yoga. Learn Kung-fu in manner of Kwai Chang Kaine in case I need to rescue people or stand up to racist bullies.

F: Money

1. Write hit song. Probably best done by teaming up with a really good songwriter. So may have to write two hit songs.

G: Reading

1. Stop reading the same books over and over. Read the kinds of Booker Prize winning novels that eschew punctuation, sympathetic characters, and magic, and will impress the teen librarian Marcus.

H: Sleep

1. Go home for three-hour siesta everyday. You've got a triathlon to finish and a lot of cooking to take care of!

I: Internet Use

1. Only use the Internet in order to be authoritatively knowledgeable about everything in the culture. Do not use it in the desperate, futile, and frankly sort of sad attempt to be entertained.

J: Fun

1. But don't forget to have a good time! Go out there and have fun with all this, because time is precious, desperately desperately precious and you're wasting it! Ahhhhhh! It's ticking by! Grab it!  While you're reading this it is racing out your door! Get it! GET IT!

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