Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Updating our terms




Clerkmanifesto is updating our terms. By reading this you acknowledge acceptance of our updated terms and, in the case of dispute, agree to adjudication by a firm of independent lawyers who aren't actually lawyers and are actually just me. But if that sounds shady let me assure you that I pay myself nothing and so have no incentive to be anything less than impartial in all cases that go to adjudication. Of course, by reading this you are now legally obligated to my adjudication anyway, so it's rather a waste of time for me to try to justify myself. If you don't agree with that then we can take this issue to adjudication, which, as a precaution, I have just done. I have ruled in my favor.

That was not an easy decision to make and I feel I should receive at least a small stipend, but I suppose no stipend is the price one pays for impartiality.

By reading this you also agree to absolve me of any indemnity regarding anything, including the dreaded double indemnity, which always ends badly for everyone. I think the guy is shot and then ends up widowed, raising three boys. Barbara Stanwyck gets nosed out for her best chance at an Academy Award by Ingrid Bergman in Gaslight and has to accept an honorary Oscar from John Travolta which just isn't the same. And you can really tell. And was that Jack Nicholson, Anjelica Huston, and Diane Keaton all sitting together?

You can at any time opt out of the terms of this contract by going back in time to just before you began reading this, but because you will then forget any knowledge of what you read here you will find yourself in the same position you were in when you first chose to read this with no reason to choose any differently than you did in the past. This could easily trap you in a time loop where you get to this part of our legal terms, travel back in time to forget them, and begin reading them again. For all you know this may be the millionth time you have read these, which is more even than me, and I'm an enormous fan. I'm just saying you might be better off just finishing reading my highly restrictive terms this time around.

It's not all bad news for you in these updated terms. The requirement that you memorize four clerkmanifesto blog posts has been reduced to three, and you are no longer legally liable for not snickering at my jokes when they're not actually funny.

You are however now required to read one of the following three books in the next two years: The Wizard of Earthsea, The Wee Free Men, or Uncle Boris in the Yukon. If the term "Blog" comes up in any conversation you are not in any way required to mention clerkmanifesto, but you are legally obligated to look seriously irritated until it does come up or the subject is changed. Also, in paragraph 7, sect. 7, prod. 11, line 2 the phrase "Automatically deducted from my checking account between two and four cents" should now read " The flower blooms for the fruit: when the fruit comes, the flower withers."

You don't have to believe everything I say, or agree with it, or think it's important. But according now to the terms of this contract, you will henceforth require alternatives.






4 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Do you have a notary there? I mean, just to be sure.

      Delete
  2. Well, I read this post over and over again and it really did open up a time loop! Now I am Barbara Stanwyck á la Big Valley. I'm packing heat, wearing lots of smart looking fringe, and I'm going after that golden idol .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There might have been something extra in that time loop. I am hoping these new terms will protect the blog from liability.

      Delete

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